...the Government of the United States, which gives to bigotry no sanction, to persecution no assistance, requires only that they who live under its protection should demean themselves as good citizens in giving it on all occasions their effectual support. Geo. Washington Feb. 22, 1732



Friday, July 31, 2009

For Don M.

I saw this over at Madpriest's blog. I cannot steal it so I am sending you there to see this heartwarming story of the Rottweiler who would not give up after being separated from her family. It should make you cry. Go look.

Wordzzle

As always click on the button to see the guidelines.
And don't forget to go to Raven's Nest to see all the others.

This week's 10 words are: fair warning, hormones, journalism, philanthropist, burgeoning, running the bulls, saturation, tossed in the towel, whine, indelicate details
And for the mini: hard labor, lurid, quick fix, sizable contributions, trumpet



I will spare you the indelicate details, said Phrog, but I long ago gave up on any relationship with Saaarah Salamander. All she seems to be able to do is whine and complain so I tossed in the towel when I had reached the saturation point. I felt like I was constantly running the bulls to be around here. I had been first a burgeoning philanthropist then a journalism major until her hormones kicked in. I give you fair warning. She is a nut case. I would rather do hard labor in a lurid prison camp than to be around her. There is no quick fix to her problems. I have made sizable contributions to the Society so that we can hide out in the underground city. Please don't trumpet our whereabouts to anyone. We don't want her to find us. I am more worried about her than the Dragons, they are relatively benign compared to her."


Next Week's Ten Word Challenge will be: reluctant, sacrilege, territory, humiliating, master of ceremonies, gesture, dirty deed, crumbling, thaw, token


For the mini challenge: official portrait, personal bank account, shoulder bone, unbearable, widow


Found for Friday


Only great minds can read this

This is weird, but interesting!


fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too


Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of
100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod
aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to
a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't
mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are,
the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and
lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can
be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it
whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn
mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but
the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I
awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you
can raed tihs forwrad it

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares one year ago in:
1) Delta Airlines, you will have $49.00 today.
2) AIG, you will have $33.00 today.
3) Lehman Brothers, you will have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received $214.00. Based on that, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-keg.

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon. Makes you proud to be an American!

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

...complaints from letters written to UK County Councils ...


1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

5. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it had backfired and burnt my knob off.

6. And their 18 yr old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job to satisfy my wife.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.



11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have 2 children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.


16. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6 a.m. His cock wakes me up and it’s now getting too much for me.

18. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly, then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

19. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.


21. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor 6 times but I still have no satisfaction.

23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.__
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.__
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.___
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.
Is this statutory rape (or a moosedimenor)?

Click to enlarge.

Thanks for stopping by. Have a great week-end. Hugs, H-bird

Thursday, July 30, 2009

RANT

Last night Kurt and I went past an accident in Des Moines. The SUV was lying on its side like this one. We circled back but there were already a lot of people there to help and someone had called 911. But we got to talking about how quickly there could be an accident.

I remember when we were driving back from vacation in Minnesota. My mother, sister, cousin Chris and I were driving through St. Cloud. I think we had the dog and cat with us. I was on the inside lane and had a green light. There was a car waiting to turn left. I thought he would wait until I was through the intersection but he may have been distracted by his passenger (a nun) and he pulled right in front of me. I slammed on the brakes and slid into the passenger's door. It was his fault and his insurance paid for it. We were stuck in St. Cloud so the resort owner's son came down and gave us a lift home. My poor little car stayed in St. Cloud to be fixed. My cousin loaned me a car and about a month later I took the bus to Minnesota to pick it up. It was never the same.

But it was a reminder of how quickly accidents can happen. So the other day when a woman turned left across several lanes talking on a cell phone it made me want to lobby for a no cell phones when driving. It really frosts me when people cannot turn from their lane into the corresponding lane but must cut across every lane on the road and almost clip me. (This doesn't even mention those who text while driving. I read today that truckers who text while driving are involved in 23% more accidents.

We used to have an Assistant Superintendent who lived in Des Moines and she used to read professional journals while driving back and forth to work. I tried it once and I think it is one of the dumbest things I have ever heard of.
AND today I was driving across 9th Street on my way back from the grocery store and one of these big honkers pulled up to the street from the North and barely paused at the stop sign. She (I am not sure it was this person driving but it was a woman with long hair) pulled out and turned West on the street (I was driving East) and the front of her bus pulled into my lane. In the first place she barely paused at the stop sign. In the second place she saw me coming and knew I was in my lane but it did not matter to her. I had to swerve to avoid being hit. I honked.

You know I have always driven defensively. I have told my sister and my nephew and countless others that I consider other vehicles on the road a gun pointed right at me. My sister rolled her truck and was thrown from it and wound up in a wheel chair. I know what can happen and so I am bitching. I want a law that says you must use a bluetooth if you are going to use a cell phone when driving (and even that is probably not something we should do) and that if you don't come to a complete stop and you cause an accident fines are doubled. Or something. I would like to see people who cut across lanes ticketed and people who are walking or riding bicycles on sidewalks and who ignore stop signs and lights ticketed. But it ain't gonna happen. I think that they should perhaps have to take a remedial reading course... I mean the words DON'T WALK are pretty easy to read but when you are out on campus you see a lot of kids that totally ignore those two words.

Well anyway I know it won't change. I just felt like grousing about it. Thanks for stopping by. Hugs (for everyone who drives safely) j

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Scottish Rite -

When I went to pick up Kurt fot the Membership Appreciation dinner he and the family were shooting arrows. So I took some pictures. That is Robin Hood above.
The Princess was happily watching. She played T-ball.
Maid Marian was the best shot in this tourney.

The Prince judged and used his eagle eye to find the arrows Robin shot that landed in the grass.
The Dinner was a nice event. Pictures below.

Why can't this man be Iowa's Senator.

I am so disappointed in Senator Grassley. Senator (Finally) Franken says it very well. I believe Minnesota has a fine Senator and I thank Raven for pointing this out.

Many paths

I took a test this morning over at Belief-o-matic. It purports to tell you what church (faith community) you should belong to. I am not currently attending a church. I think that is another story for another time and I may never tell it on this blog. But nevertheless here are my results. And some comments.

1. Unitarian Universalism (100%)
I attended this church when my friends got married. I went to the service prior to their wedding. It was OK but it really did not reach out and "touch" me. I know I probably think like them but the service just did not make me want to come back.
2. New Thought (94%)
3. Liberal Quakers (89%)
I would really like to know more about the Quakers.
4. New Age (87%)
5. Scientology (86%)
6. Neo-Pagan (85%)
I have friends who are pagans. I know a little about it and support them in their beliefs.
7. Mahayana Buddhism (81%)
8. Reform Judaism (79%)
I love the Jewish Religion but it would have to be reform for me as I love my bacon too much
9. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (76%)
I was a member of this Church for about 30 years. I still do the blog for the local church and frankly it is the only church I would even consider attending regularly. It spoiled me for other churches. I loved the study and probing and understanding of God (as Spirit, Life, Truth, Love, Soul, Divine Principle, and Mind) that I got from there,
10. Hinduism (76%)
11. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (74%)
And I used to be a Methodist.
12. Taoism (70%)
13. Theravada Buddhism (62%)
14. Secular Humanism (60%)
15. Jainism (60%)
16. Sikhism (60%)
17. Baha'i Faith (57%)
18. Orthodox Quaker (40%)
19. Orthodox Judaism (37%)
20. Islam (33%)
21. Nontheist (27%)
22. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (17%)
Absolutely no way
23. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (17%)
24. Seventh Day Adventist (12%)
25. Jehovah's Witness (11%)
Again no way.
Now as to the last two. I love their ritualistic ceremonies and the pageantry and richness of the service but no way could I belong to churches that are as "controlling" of their members.
26. Eastern Orthodox (9%)
27. Roman Catholic (9%)

Take the test here.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Just checking in



I have been reading The Fire by Katherine Neville. I found it a hard book to read but I finished it. And I enjoyed it. But it really has slowed me down as far as blogging is concerned. I went to Des Moines last evening and had dinner with Kurt. Then we were going to a Masonic Funeral but the parking lot was very full so I dropped Kurt at the door and drove about a block away so he could go (the Brother who passed had been on his Investigating Committee) - Then we met Severn and had a nice visit with him. I took this picture of the back of a Semi. I thought it was kind of neat. It was for Chips A'hoy and said something about empty shelves.

Anyway I really am just checking in to let you know I am still on the planet. I found this over at Bark Bark Woof Woof. I call it the Palin Poem. Kind of neat.



Thanks for stopping by. I am waiting for my Reuben Pizza on Sweet Potato Crust from Black Market Pizza. Hugs, j

Monday, July 27, 2009

Poem

I wrote this in 2005. I was having a conversation with Jon just now and was reminded of it so you get it for today. Nothing much is happening, with the exception of two Jehovah's Wittless (intended) coming by to try to convert me. I swear I am going to put up a sign. NO RELIGIOUS SOLICITATION. Anyway here is the poem

People
Most people sing just one song
give just one speech,
have just one conversation –
usually with themselves.

Most people dance
just one dance,
walk just one walk
Go to just one place - many times.

Most Rock Stars give the same concert
over and over.
Most comedians tell the same joke -
although sometimes with different punch lines.

Most Authors who write just one book
can do it many times.

Most politicians have just one idea –
usually some else’s.
If you change your audience no one knows you are boring!

Some people however
Sing several songs,
Dance many dances,
Walk in different worlds.

Some people have endless conversations with many people.

Some people never listen
but others always do.

Some people stand out and stand up.

They are original, diverse, endlessly fascinating shining stars.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Hitler Finds Out Sarah Palin has Resigned

Sunday Wisdom


From One Mountain, Many Paths
An American Freemason Speaks Out for Peace
by Dr. Patrick Swift
Click book or here to go to the page and buy it for yourself,

Be fearless and pure; never waiver in your determination or your dedication to the spiritual life, Give freely. Be self controlled, sincere, truthful, loving and full of desire to serve. Realize the truth of the scriptures. learn to be detached and to take joy in renunciation. do not get angry or harm any living creature but be compassionate and gentle; show good will to all.

Bhagavad Gita 16: 1-3
Hinduism
What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others.

The Analects of Confucius 15
Confucianism

What is hateful to you do not to your neighbour: that is the whole of the Torah, while the rest is the commentary thereof; go and learn it.

The Babylonian Talmud Shabbat
Judaism

In everything, do to others as you would have them do to you; for this is the law and the prophets.

Matthew 7:12
Christianity

The "golden rule" in Christianity may be found in other beliefs also. I think the thing that strikes me about it is the positive way it is expressed. Do unto others, If you would be treated with respect you must respect others. If you would be treated kindly you must be kind. It may not always return to you as you would wish but it is certainly a way to live your life.

If you would be loved you must love.

Have a great week and remember to Love.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

I Am a Liberal

I wrote this in 2004. I meant it then and I mean it now. I recently had a conversation with someone I like very much. But he is a conservative. I was thinking that perhaps I was a conservative or at least more conservative than I used to be. However I went over to my poetry blog and found this and read it again and I still think that most of it still fits what I think.

If being a liberal means that:

you love liberty and freedom
instead of “Patriot Acts” and trampled rights.

you care for people
instead of corporations

you support education, teachers and free public schools
instead of religious indoctrination and acts that
leave many children behind

you care for children and their well-being
instead of corporate CEO’s and their fancy lifestyle.

Fine, then call me a liberal!

If being a liberal means that:

you believe in religious freedom
instead of “everybody think alike” doctrines

you believe women are equal and should be treated (and paid) as such
instead of being “subordinate” barefoot and pregnant

you believe in supporting our troops
instead of the lies that put them in harm’s way

Fine, then I’ll take the name liberal and be proud of it!

If being a liberal means that:


you don’t believe that oil should be purchased with blood
or that greedy corporations should get rich from war

you want to preserve and defend our environment
instead of raping the land so nothing will remain for our future.

And
you believe that some forests should be saved for the animals that inhabit them
instead of destroyed for big business profit.


you believe in clean air
instead of pollution and acid rain from factory smokestacks


Then, I’ll be a liberal!

If being a liberal means that:

you believe in families no matter of whom they are composed
instead of divisive (so called) defense of marriage legislation.

you know that some folks are different from others

not through choice but because they were made that way

you know that God made Adam and Eve
as well as Adam and Steve and Ellen and Eve

And

you believe that everyone has a right to live a life free from harassment and hate
instead of living with humiliation and fear

If being a liberal means all that- then I am a liberal, an American liberal, and proud of it!

Jay Cole Simser
July 7, 2004

84 year old Mason on RAGBRAI

Ken Smith, Arcadia Lodge Past Master is on RAGBRAI and here is a link to an article in the Des Moines Register about this amazing Brother.

The link has expired

Friday, July 24, 2009

Wordzzle

As always click on the button to see the guidelines.
And don't forget to go to Raven's Nest to see all the others.

This Week's Ten Word Challenge: riverboat, procrastination, drank, demons, invisible, candle, enough, film stars, summer job, computer


For the mini: general demeanor, invisible, masked man, reach, standards
Photo by Kenju
Phrog was very upset. His general demeanor was very agitated. He had thought that he was pretty much invisible but a masked man had just dropped off a package for him which contained a photograph. It had obviously been taken from a high vantage point and it was of him. It did not reach his usual standards for a photograph of himself but he was recognizable.

It looked to be taken just after he had exited the riverboat and he wondered who on earth could have taken it. On the other hand it was taken from such a high spot that perhaps it had not been taken on earth. Perhaps the dragons....

He knew that he was a victim of procrastination but he could not bring himself to contact the Mighty Chief Dragon as he was worried that the rumors he had heard were true and that they were still after him and all the members of the Order of the Salamanders. He had drank too much last night and the demons were upon him again. He would have to summon the invisible council to aid him in his thinking.

He lit the summoning candle and it gave just enough light that he could read the message printed on the back of the picture. It said. "Phrog, it is I, the invincible Sarrarah and I have had enough. I have been out here in California cavorting with film stars and that ilk. I am no longer going to spy on the dragons for you. I look on what I have been doing as a poor substitute for a summer job and am going to see what I can find on the computer under Craigslist to see if there is something better for me to do. In the meantime I am on my way back to headquarters and nothing you can do will change my mind. Sincerely. Sarrarah Salamander.
Phrog blew out the candle and sounded the alarm. They must move to the secret headquarters before Sarrarah returned and blew their cover.

Next week's 10 words are: fair warning, hormones, journalism, philanthropist, burgeoning, running the bulls, saturation, tossed in the towel, whine, indelicate details

And for the mini: hard labor, lurid, quick fix, sizable contributions, trumpet

Embracing Imperfection (A Must Read)

This just came in an e-mail. I need to share it.

"When I was a little girl, my mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner every now and then. And I remember one night in particular when she had made breakfast after a long, hard day at work. On that evening so long ago, my mom placed a plate of eggs, sausage, and extremely burned toast in front of my dad. I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed! Yet all my dad did was reach for his toast, smile at my mom, and ask me how my day was at school. I don't remember what I told him that night, but I do remember Watching him smear butter and jelly on that toast and eat every bite!

When I got Up from the table that evening, I remember hearing my mom apologize to my dad For burning the toast. And I'll never forget what he said: 'Baby, I love burned toast.'

Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if He really liked his toast burned. He wrapped me in his arms and said, 'Debbie, your Momma put in a hard day at work today and she's real tired. And besides-a little burnt toast never hurt anyone!' You know, life is full of imperfect things.....and imperfect people. I'm not the best housekeeper or cook.

What I've learned over the years is that learning to accept each other's faults - and choosing to celebrate each other's differences - is the one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting relationship.

And that's my prayer for you today. That you will learn to take the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of your life and lay them at the feet of GOD. Because in the end, He's the only One who will be able to give you a relationship where burnt toast isn't a deal-breaker! We could extend this to any relationship in fact - as understanding is the base of any relationship, be it a husband-wife or parent-child or friendship!! "

"Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket but into your own."

Found For Friday

The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new healthcare package.
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
The Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
The Pediatricians said, 'Oh, grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness.
The Radiologists could see right through it.
The Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, but the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington


Priest Retirement

A local priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed debating the "bail-out packages," so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had also stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his best friend's
wife, and taken illicit drugs. I was appalled.

"But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and said: "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: Never, never, NEVER-EVER be late.


MY LIVING WILL


Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,
'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch.....

Vet school-

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with
white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body". For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes.

But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation.

I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to
pay attention.

Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid


Red Neck Barbecue Grill. With warming shelf. Free at HyVee

BBQ RULES
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put in to motion:

Routine . . .
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three-yard exclusion zone where the exuberance and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine . . .
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine . . .
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off," and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

This is dedicated to all of you who are seniors, to all of you who know seniors, and to all of you who will become seniors. It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are!

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "Today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, "Well, s**t, so that's why no one was at church today."

Mike was attending his 4X4 club's monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the camping trip scheduled for the next day because his wife wouldn't let him go.

After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow 4X4 friends, Mike left to go back home to his wife.

When Mike's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should be there but Mike sitting up in front of his truck, tent up, fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Mike?"

"I didn't have to" was Mike's reply. "When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'!"

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want."

So here I am!

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at
school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects: a Bible, - a silver dollar, - a bottle of whisky and - a Playboy magazine. I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a
businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum." The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold "Lord have mercy," the old
preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna run for Congress!

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?
Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, _'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom
DONT FORGET ABOUT NEXT SATURDAY!
Don't forget to mark your calendars.
As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked. He must commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.
All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims, & to demonstrate they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife, & to show support for all American women. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment. The American gov't appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists & applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
God bless America
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -The last one is great!_Have you ever spoken and wished that you could_Immediately take the words back...Or that you could crawl into a hole?_Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow

And asked loudly,_'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?' I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word... He knew better
SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls'
THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, The boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.. I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.' My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day,_My sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY :

While in line at the bank one afternoon, My toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter
FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, So of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, And he said 'No' I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, ' Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'_'No,' he replied._I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse._Soooooo, I asked one more time, ' Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeksa nd yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,turned to the weatherman and asked: 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set,but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard.




Found this- It is a modern Wedding March.

Enjoy your week-end.