Friday, January 31, 2014
I recently bought a young
registered Black Angus bull. I put him
out with the herd but he just ate grass
and wouldn't even look at a cow.I was
beginning to think I had paid more for
that bull than he was worth. Anyhow,
I had the Vet come and have a look at
him. He said the bull was very healthy,
but possibly just a little young, so he
gave me some pills to feed him once
The bull started to service the cows within two days -- all
my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with
all of my neighbour's cows! He's like a machine!
I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him but
they kind of taste like peppermint.
The other day I held the door open for a clown.
I thought it was a nice jester.
Most airline food is pretty bad, but their haggis is just plane offal.
Dr. Jekyll's more successful second formula turned him into a world-class sprinter rather than a violent psychopath, proving that you can run but you can't always Hyde.
Isn't the Grand Canyon just gorges?
I tried to play the shoehorn but got only footnotes.
Most boat owners are afraid of buying new hats because they hate cap sizing.
I went to a dance with a broken leg. During the slow dances my date could tell that I had a crutch on her.
Homonyms are a reel waist of thyme.
Definition of a will: a dead give away.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Someone had to remind me,
So I'm reminding you, too.
Don't laugh.... It is all true!
Perks of reaching or being over 60
And heading towards
70 and beyond!
Kidnappers are not very
Interested in you.
In a hostage situation,
You are likely to be released first.
No one expects you to run --
People call at (or ) and ask,
'Did I wake you?'
People no longer view you as a
There is nothing left
To learn the hard way.
Things you buy now will
Never wear out.
You can eat
Supper at .
9. You can live without sex
But not your glasses.
You get into heated arguments
About pension plans.
You no longer think of speed limits
As a challenge.
You quit trying to hold
Your stomach in no matter who walks
Into the room.
You sing along
With elevator music.
Your eyes won't get
Your investment in health insurance
Is finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists
Than the national weather service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends
Because they can't remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to
A manageable size.
You can't remember
Who sent you this list.
And you notice these are all
In big print
For your convenience.
Forward this to everyone
You can remember
AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING:
Never, NEVER, NEVER,
Under any circumstances,
Take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on
The same night!