Found For Friday

 A police motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real bar steward, he steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.

The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms. The tirade goes on without the officer saying a dickybird. When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an arsehole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he has a heap of demerits and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light. Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a
reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and
mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket
you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.”

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for arsehole?"

“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”

 A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was Leaving his Mission in darkest Brazil Where he has spent years teaching The natives right from wrong, when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was How to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'

The chief looks at t he tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunt s, 'Rock.' The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears

A rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, He sees a couple of Natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his Blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that He has spent years teaching the tribe how to be Civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he Kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."

 This "wonderful, lengthy tale" contains more double entendres than an entire "Carry On" film.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to....'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.

 The Mother of All Ethnic Jokes


An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a NewEnglander and a Californian),  an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, aSlovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a NewZealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, aPortuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, anAzerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean,an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans walk into a bar.


"I'm sorry," says the bar keep - scrutinizing the group one by one and barring their entrance - "you can't come in here without a Thai."

 And here's a math problem for you . . .

Q: How many Masons does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Three. One to screw it in, one to read the minutes of the previous light bulb replacement, and one to sit on the sidelines and complain that this wasn't the way they USED to screw in light bulbs.

Late Night Mischief

There's a man, walking down the street at one o'clock in the morning--he's loaded.

A policeman stops him and asks him, "where do you think you're going in that condition?"

"I'm on my way to a lecture on Freemasonry," the man slurred.

"Where can you possibly get a lecture on Freemasonry at this time of night?" the officers asks.

"From my wife, when I get home!"

One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.

The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he was being paged by “Lucille”. He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.

“She don’t never leave no number, so I can’t call her back,” he said. After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn’t leave a number.

“She leaves her name” was the reply. After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on. “How does she spell her name?” the service rep asked.

“L-O-W C-E-L-L”

Have a wonderful week-end!

Sojourner Truth

From her powerful speech "Ain't I a Woman?"


Well, children, where there is so much racket there must be something out of kilter. I think that 'twixt the negroes of the South and the women at the North, all talking about rights, the white men will be in a fix pretty soon. But what's all this here talking about? 


That man over there says that women need to be helped into carriages, and lifted over ditches, and to have the best place everywhere. Nobody ever helps me into carriages, or over mud-puddles, or gives me any best place! And ain't I a woman? Look at me! Look at my arm! I have ploughed and planted, and gathered into barns, and no man could head me! And ain't I a woman?


 I could work as much and eat as much as a man - when I could get it - and bear the lash as well! And ain't I a woman? I have borne thirteen children, and seen most all sold off to slavery, and when I cried out with my mother's grief, none but Jesus heard me! And ain't I a woman? 


Then they talk about this thing in the head; what's this they call it? [member of audience whispers, "intellect"] That's it, honey. What's that got to do with women's rights or negroes' rights? If my cup won't hold but a pint, and yours holds a quart, wouldn't you be mean not to let me have my little half measure full? 


Then that little man in black there, he says women can't have as much rights as men, 'cause Christ wasn't a woman! Where did your Christ come from? Where did your Christ come from? From God and a woman! Man had nothing to do with Him. If the first woman God ever made was strong enough to turn the world upside down all alone, these women together ought to be able to turn it back , and get it right side up again! And now they is asking to do it, the men better let them. Obliged to you for hearing me, and now old Sojourner ain't got nothing more to say.


Read more about her.

The Prophecy

 I totally enjoyed The Prophecy by Chris Kuzneski.  A Jonathon Payne/David Jones Action Thriller it begins with the Seer Nostradamus and a prophecy which he left is a puzzle box for his descendant.  


Move to modern times and Jonathon Payne is holding a fund raising event for his charity in the Cathedral of Learning on the campus of the University of Pittsburg where a young woman who has just asked him for help in solving a mystery is murdered.  The action picks up and eventually leads to a conclusion. A fast paced easy and enjoyable read.  I liked it very much.

One of the things I liked about it was learning about the Cathedral of Learning.  A very real and unusual center of learning on the University of Pittsburg campus.  Filled with Nationality Rooms the Cathedral could be a destination place to visit.  At least I am sorry I did not know of it before when I drove to meetings in Pennsylvania and Boston several years ago.  I would have made it a stop-over.


I don't know where Chris gets his ideas for his books but they have all been entertaining and exciting to read and I learned something from each of them.


I did get one in the mail that I had ordered and discovered that I had already read it/  The book came out in 2006 and I must have read it then.  I will read it again.

My Valentine Tradition

Just in case you've never seen it.

A Valentine (1860)

I found and old, old, valentine

of my mother’s yesterday;

An age-stained, lacy, lovely thing

That she had put away

Between the covers of a book,

And as I touched it there,

I saw her young and beautiful

The sunlight on her hair,

The love-light in her dark, young eyes

That years could not destroy,

And through the paper lace there walked

My father as a boy.

Somewhere along the heavenly lanes

Today, their eyes ashine,

I think he asks her once again

To be his Valentine.

Grace Noll Crowel

It is a tradition to post this poem.  It always made my mother cry to have me read it.  It really describes what we both think is the love her parents had for one another.  Happy Valentine's Day!

Moral Outrage

I watched the affable Cardinal-designate Timothy Dolan on CBS this morning as he spoke of the President and the rule which would require birth control for women.  In its war on women the Catholic church has banned them from contraception (except the rhythm method which is out of sync with good sense) and from serving as priests.  It tries to control every aspect of their lives and when you make the argument that a majority of Catholic women use birth control they rely on the old argument that the Church is not a democracy.  No the church has been like the fly trapped in amber....It looks beautiful but it cannot change and when you look closely you see the ugliness.  Pedophilia is rampant and has been covered up for years by those in authority in the church.  Even the Pope is under inditement in the International World Court for "Crimes against humanity.

When interviewed on CBS, Dolan seemed like a "nice guy" - He was in a friendly mood and the atmosphere was respectful and it was what I would call a "soft" interview.   However when I thought about it I was outraged.  In doing some exploration I also found this statement by the Archbishop

“No government has the right to intrude into the affairs of the Church, much less coerce the Church faithful individuals to engage in or cooperate in any way with immoral practices,” wrote Dolan, who is president of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops. 

I really don't know why not, the Church (and not just the Catholic Church) seem to have no trouble intruding into the life of the nation.  Any member of a church can participate in our democracy but when someone such as the Archbishop speaks from the pulpit or writes pastoral letters or sends out CD's they are trying to show their "moral outrage" and influence their parishioners.  I tend to agree with the following which I found on another blog this morning.

"I voted for President Obama, I didn't vote for the Pope.  The Catholic bishops are entitled to their opinion, but that's all it is.  An opinion.  And its their opinion, not the opinion of Catholics in America.
And I'll say it again.  I don't want a bunch of guys who excuse and enable pedophilia lecturing the rest of us about morality.  No moral credibility whatsoever."    John Aravosis on AmericaBlog

I am with John on this.  My moral outrage at the hypocrisy is palpable and when I read about the thousands of children who were molested or hear the way the native American children were treated in the Catholic Schools where they were placed after being forcibly removed from their homes or hear of Cardinal Egan  who withdrew his apology of 2002 for the sex-abuse scandal I guess my "moral outrage" gets stirred up.  And I won't apologize for it. In my opinion these child molesters should all be locked up somewhere where they will never be able to see another child let alone molest them.

Addendum.  You might like to read Rev. Chuck Currie's Open Letter to Archbishop Dolan


Addndum #2  -  American's United also weighed in on this.  Read it here.

Addendum # 3 - It just keeps getting worse.  Priest tells boy "This is what God's Love feels like."  as he is raping him.

Separated at Birth