Sunday, January 31, 2010

Miles to the rescue????

A Man is Only as Good . . .

A man is only as good

as what he says to a dog

when he has to get up out of bed

in the middle of a wintry night

because some damned dog has been barking;

and he goes and opens the door

in his vest and boxer shorts

and there on the pock-marked wasteground

called a playing field out front

he finds the mutt with one paw

raised in expectation

and an expression that says Thank God

for a minute there I thought

there was no one awake but me

in this goddamned town.

by Pat Boran

I have been saving this poem for a while. It was on 3Quarks and I really like it. I have a story to tell tonight and this seems to fit.

My office has been a mess for months now. I have not been using it - Just piling things in there and then walking a fine line to the printer when I had to print something. Well eventually things catch up. I had a report that was due. I had to find the materials so that I could do the report and get it in. It was late (I won't tell you how late) - I just spaced it off.

So I went in and sat down on my nice rolling chair and started to go through the things that needed going through. (Anybody want a years supply of New Yorker/Vanity Fair/National Geographic magazines as well as various Masonic ones?) Eventually I cleared away a huge pile of papers and junk (or is it junque?)

Then as I was sitting forward on the edge of the seat I found my chair slipping backward and me gliding forward onto the floor. These are hardwood floors folks, They are slippery and I am a rather large person. Now I am on the floor and trying to pick up the chair so I can use it to get up. And my shoe comes off. No traction.

This is the part where the dog comes in. Miles likes to untie my shoe laces. That is the reason the shoe came off. And he comes in to investigate. He wants to know what is going on. He sticks his nose up to sniff. He gets as close to me as he can and sits down beside me. He does not allow me to get up (if I could) and so I have to shove him away.

Then comes the fun part. The floor (hardwood, remember) is to slick for me to get up so I crawl to the hallway. My bed is too high for me to get up so I sit for a minute and then crawl to the living room and eventually pull myself up using the recliner.

Miles has accompanied me all the way. You could see the concern in his eyes. I had to sit there and catch my breath and take off the Abiff University sweatshirt I was wearing. Overheated you know.

Eventually I catch my breath and answer a few e-mails and then go back to the office to find the material I needed to finish the report.

So now I have two sore knees, a sore shoulder, and a headache.

Where was Bailey during all this? Under the couch sleeping. - End of the story I finished the report and threw Miles his toy and let him sit on my lap and cuddled with him and found something to write about. I also put it up on Facebook and Laurie wrote a comment

"A good dog will never leave your side. How sweet, but calling for help would be nice."

- Thanks for stopping by and if you have a good dog be grateful. I am. Hugs, j

Saturday, January 30, 2010

The Iowa Experience

Click to embiggen the pictures.
Who said that Iowa did not have mountains? I went for a drive in the country today because I looked up at the sky and it was giving me some interesting effects. This is our snow piled up at an intersection.
It was so nice to see the sun shining and the beautiful wispy clouds. Much nicer than the grey cover we have been having. I love seeing the clusters of farm buildings in the distance.
One of the things I like about living in Ames is that we have some country roads to drive and you can see the sky. I have been pretty busy this week and it was nice today to take some time to go to Staples to buy a new printer cartridge and supplies and then to borders where I purchased Craig Ferguson's book. I forgot to go up and pick up my prescription but I will (most likely) remember tomorrow
Last week was busy. Wednesday to Des Moines to work in the Consistory Office and the knighting of the new Knights of St. Andrew, I forgot to take my camera with me on Thursday so I did not get any pictures of the Spring Kick-off. Kurt was supposed to get the pictures for the Consistory Blog but he was having trouble getting them off the Consistory camera so I doubt there will be a post.
I love trees. Especially this time of year when you can see individual branches.

Friday I went down early and met Shane and Kurt for Lunch and worked in the office and then Friday Night we had our Stated Meeting for Specialis Procer Lodge. It was exciting. There are things in the works which make me proud to be a member of this Lodge. Plus we have a terrific group of members. We had three guests last night and they were nice to have with us. I think they will be back. Actually one of them is going to come for sure and will probably join us as a dual member.
We go out to eat after the meeting. There were 12 of us and we went to Gino's Restaurant and I was there until 11:00.
More Mountains. Today I wrote the minutes for last night's meeting and got them sent out to the members and then I worked on some reports and as I mentioned did a little shopping therapy. Actually I have been working on the reports all day but I did take that little excursion.
Someday perhaps I shall get caught up and get everything organized and cleaned up. I really need a desk. Tomorrow I am having lunch with a Brother and must do laundry or I will have nothing to wear. I am going to try to get some more pictures. I need to get some of Miles. Thanks for stopping by. Have a blessed Sunday. Hugs, j

Largest Full Moon of the Year

Photo and text by Bob Kelly
If you were lucky enough to be looking to the east between 6:30 and 7:00 PM, CST, you might have seen a view like this. This particular full moon is the largest looking moonrise you will see this year, because tonight the moon reached its perigee or lowest point in its orbit around Earth. The moon was about 50,000 kilometers (31,000 miles) closer to the earth tonight, which caused it to look 14% larger and 30% brighter. So if you thought it looked bigger and brighter in the east Saturday night you were right! Here is how it looked about 6:50 PM after it had risen above a cloud bank. It was cold and nippy on the ice covered hill about two miles SW of Nevada, but it was a beautiful sight to see and photograph. There is a very good chance it will look nearly the same on Sunday evening at about 7:44 PM. Dress warm and take a look!

Pheasants are teasing us...

The hunting season for the Ringneck Pheasants in Iowa is from October 1 of a given year, through March 31 of the following year.

Sensing it is too cold for smart hunters to be out in the current Iowa winter, these pheasants can be seen feeding through the snow, or just moving about in flocks. The two in this photo were part of a flock of about fifteen males that were all out looking for corn in the snow. They were in the open and were very skittish, but I grabbed this shot of a couple colorful roosters before they scurried on their way.
Text and photo by Bob Kelly

Friday, January 29, 2010

Found For Friday

Subject: The Baptist Cowboy

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So....I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."


Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially all of the ladies who bake for church events:

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa , but forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and afterrummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack up for Scout camp.

When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured and she exclaimed,

"Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake!" This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing.

Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.

And, before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone & called her mom.

Alice was horrified-she was beside herself! Everyone would know!

What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time.

She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa , but having already RSVP 'd , she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south and to Alice 's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert! Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!

She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "what a beautiful cake!"

Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the

hostess (who was a prominent church member) say,

"Thank you, I baked it myself.."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "God is good.”

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer  you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

What Causes People To Have Arthritis?

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?"

"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.


Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go? Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"Then they kick him in the ice hole."

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?!

The value of a # 2 pencil

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.

More Words To Live By

1. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

2. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

3. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

4. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

5. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

6. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear very bright ... until they speak.

7. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

9. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

10. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

11. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

12. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

13. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. Unless, of course, you really enjoyed the first evil when you tried it, hehehe!

The winning submissions to a yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:*

1. *Coffee*, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. *Flabbergasted*, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. *Abdicate*, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. *Esplanade*, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. *Willy-nilly*, adj. Impotent.

6. *Negligent*, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. *Lymph*, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. *Gargoyle*, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. *Flatulence*, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. *Balderdash*, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. *Testicle*, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. *Rectitude*, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. *Pokemon*, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. *Oyster*, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. *Frisbeetarianism*, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

Golfing Preacher

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right.

The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing."

God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him?"

God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"

I had a really hard time getting things to work this time. Sorry they are a little late. Have a great week-end. Thanks for stopping by, Hugs,

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Knights of St. Andrew

The Scottish Rite in Des Moines had a knighting for 16 new members. It was an impressive ceremony and we congratulate the new Knights.

Happy Birthday Brother Wolfgang

And thank you for the beauty you have given us.

As requested by John - Who went out to find it

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Blizzard Aftermath..

We had a big blizzard in Iowa on Monday, January 25, that blew 5+ inches of new soft snow all over creation, creating total white outs and making driving impossible. Most all interstate highways were closed, and the rest of the roads were treacherous. Schools were closed, and once more the state took a deep breath, and waited it out. I went out today to explore some of the country roads and the results are shown below. At one point the plowed path for one vehicle, that I was driving on, suddenly stopped as a large snow drift taller than the car obscured the way. I took a shot of the "end of the trail" with the blazing sun, and it was rather pretty, despite the desolation of it all. Once again the drifts were sculptured as no human could ever create, and in some places they were nearly 8 feet high. These images were taken in an area about two miles south of Ames on the continuation of University Boulevard. It would be nice to think this was the last of it, but unfortunately there is most likely more to come. We already have had 40 + inches of snow since the winter season officially began, which is about two feet above normal.
Text and photos by Bob Kelly

Report Card - Obama - F -

Mr. Obama is planning a spending freeze (except for the military) and that is bringing the critics out. As a teacher we periodically gave students grades or in later years held conferences with parents (once described by me a a place where teachers said what they needed to say and parents heard what they wanted to hear.) It seems like with the one year anniversary and State of the Union address it is time for the Conference. Here are two Conference reports

David Michael Green says:

And, speaking of ‘change', the one kind that Barack Obama did actually deliver this year was not that which most voters had in mind after listening to him use the word incessantly, all throughout 2008. Obama and his colleagues have now managed to bring the future of the Democratic Party into question, just a year after it won two smashing victories in a row.

Read the entire article at Common Dreams.

At the New York Times Bob Herbert asks, "Who is Barak Obama?"

Mr. Obama may be personally very appealing, but he has positioned himself all over the political map: the anti-Iraq war candidate who escalated the war in Afghanistan; the opponent of health insurance mandates who made a mandate to buy insurance the centerpiece of his plan; the president who stocked his administration with Wall Street insiders and went to the mat for the banks and big corporations, but who is now trying to present himself as a born-again populist.

Mr. Obama is in danger of being perceived as someone whose rhetoric, however skillful, cannot always be trusted.

Read Obama's Credibility Gap here.

Personally he lost a part of me when he invited Rick Warren to give the prayer at the Inauguration. He reminds me of a passive aggressive enabler. Instead of the promise (change and hope) he is giving us Bush's third term. I doubt if he can recover... I will remain a Democrat until the Republicans wholly divest themselves of the religious wing nuts they allowed to take over the party but I am oh, so discouraged.

Why Parents Drink

(Don't blame me - Blame Randy)

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad..'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Lovely Iowa

I just pulled this off the Iowa DOT Road Conditions web site. I had planned on going to Des Moines to work today but I am glad I didn't We have another blizzard and as you can see there are a lot of roads closed and I would have not been able to get home. I understand there is a big pile up north of here. I am going to make a pot of tea and snuggle in under my Gordon Clan lap robe and watch the telly. Or read my book. or - Well you know the drill it is winter.

Even Iowa State University is closed:

According to a news release, university officials anticipate classes will be held as scheduled Tuesday. Officials said they will monitor the weather conditions overnight and will make a decision regarding Tuesday's classes by 6 a.m. Tuesday.

I can't even get enthusiastic about reading my blogs. Right now they are all so negative (and rightly so) that I am really tired of reading about fail this and fail that.

What movie is this quote from?
"Interenet - It's all on the internet these days."

Bailey woke me up at 6:00 this morning wanting to go out. So I am dragging today. It is probably time for a nap, I had the alarm set so I did not sleep well. When I set the alarm I do not sleep through the night. So I dozed off while writing this and woke up when the Chief Adept called me. Now I shall try to continue my nap. Stay warm. Thanks for stopping by - Hugs,, J

Prayers for Snoopy and Bill

My friend Bill who is a minister in north Iowa will have his 14 year old dog put to sleep today. You might want to send him some good thoughts.

On his FaceBook page, Bill writes:

Perhaps I'm just a sentimental old fool, but Monday my friend and companion will be no more. He is not his old self...and neither am I. Thanks for all the love.

One of the last things you can do for your pet is to see that they will suffer no more. It is also one of the hardest things you ever do in life for they are truly part of our family. They wait for us at the Rainbow Bridge for a joyous reunion.

Send some peaceful thoughts to Brother Bill

Sunday, January 24, 2010


I am not a football fan. But I love Louis Armstrong and this song. I had the organist play it as the last song at Mother's funeral. Go Saints! (since it couldnt be the Vikes)

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Winter Fog

Carl Sandburg wrote:

The fog creeps in on little cat feet.
It sit on silent haunches,
Looking over harbor and city,
And then moves on.

Iowa has had fog for about a week now.
I am waiting for it to move on.

The Mayonnaise Jar

The Mayonnaise Jar

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle,
When 24 hours in a day is not enough;
remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee

A professor stood before his philosophy class
and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly,

he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar
and start to fill it with golf balls

He then asked the students if the jar was full
They agreed that it was

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured
it into the jar He shook the jar lightly
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again

if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and
poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled
up everything else
He asked once more if the jar
was full. The students responded
With an unanimous ‘yes.'

The professor then produced two cups of coffee
from under the table and poured the entire
contents into the jar, effectively filling the
empty space between the sand.
The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided,
'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things -
God, family, children, health, friends,
and favorite passions
Things that if everything else was lost
and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the things that matter
like your job, house, and car.

The sand is everything else --

The small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued,
'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff,
You will never have room for the things that are
important to you.


Pay attention
to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children.

Take time to get medical checkups.

Take your partner out to dinner.

There will always be time
to clean the house and fix the dripping tap.

'Take care of the golf balls first --

The things that really matter.

Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand

and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled.

'I'm glad you asked'.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,
there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.'

Friday, January 22, 2010

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbecued 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?"

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah ha!" he replies. "No wonder.. those are friars!

There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.

Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each candidate aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?

Only seconds after talking to them both, he chooses Paul.

Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside after the interview. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"

"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Paul replies.

"Your hands? What do you mean?"

"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"

What Kind Of Tracks Are They?

Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.

The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks."
The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks."
The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."
The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.


A New Jersey Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving from Atlanta when the he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.

OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know s*^t?

They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus."
It comes in pink, and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end

What gets longer when pulled, Fits between your boobs, Inserts neatly in a hole, And... Works best when jerked?

A seatbelt!

Rednecks Flying Home
Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected he said, "The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind."

One of the hunters pushed forward, "Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What's with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year.

Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"

"I think so," replied the other Redneck. "Yep! I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed last year!"