Maxine for Wednesday

Let's face it

After Monday and Tuesday...

even the calendar says -

W T F

Ginny sent me this.

Summer's almost here ...
We can now see the deer
moving around in the back yard.

Yep, won't be long.

(But then she lives South of me.)

Don't Blame Me - Blame Rollen

Ole and Sven have a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, both
die, and go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.

He says to them, 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?'

Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of
snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya
know.'
;
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up
the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from
Minnesota, the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling
Walleye and drinking beer.

The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves!'

Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up
dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's
dis nice.'

The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he
comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have
been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off.
The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging
everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan, or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.

The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the
heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?'

They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya
know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super
Bowl.'

Thanksgiving Letter - 2009 Margaret and Helen

Dear Family,

This year I am thankful to have you as my family rather than a normal American family. I say that because Sarah Palin is fond of talking about her family being a normal American family.

Last time I checked everyone in my family knows where Africa is on a globe. Everyone goes to college after high school. We’ve had no teen pregnancies as of yet and no one has appeared in Playgirl. If the Palins are a normal, American family, I guess my bunch of anti-American socialists are fine by me.

...

7. If I see one grandchild doing that texting stuff, there will be no pie for dessert. If I see one parent checking email… scratch that – new rule. Leave your cell phone in your car. They used to be called mobile phones for a reason. Now-a-days the only thing mobile about your phone is your thumbs. Trust me. Skinny thumbs and a fat ass are not a good look.

Read the entire post by clicking below.

Margaret and Helen's Thanksgiving Letter to the Family. Rolling on the floor funny.

Don't Blame Me, Blame Peachie

Some people have no class. Look at his tie, it is SO yesterday.

old but still funny

A woman, married three times, walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color are you looking for?"

The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.

"That one was a Republican," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.."

Thx Madpriest.

Your Driver's License Tells All

A mother is driving her 7 year-old daughter to her friend's house
for a play date when the little girl asks "Mommy," how old are
you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother
replies sweetly. "It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, a bit less sweetly . "Those are
personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a
divorce?"

"That's enough questions, young lady, honestly!" mom says as her
daughter is getting out of the car.

The exasperated mother drives away as the two friends begin to
play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to
her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how
old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy
got a divorce."

Now mom's getting mad. She says, "Oh really? And just why is that, young lady?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

"Healthy" living

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening....Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!!

No Joke and Jokes

Well here is the snow...that's no joke. And now for the jokes..

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium
at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd
dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.