Jack Watts sent me a note and he ended it by saying:
"We have so much snow that the cows have to be turned upside down in order to milk them."
Showing posts with label Iowa Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Iowa Humor. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Truedat
Jack Watts sent me a note and he ended it by saying:
"We have so much snow that the cows have to be turned upside down in order to milk them."
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Ken sent to Wayne who sent it to me.... truedat.
At 65 degrees above zero:
People in Florida turn on the heat.
People in Iowa plant gardens.
At 60 degrees above zero:
People in California shiver uncontrollably.
People in Iowa sunbathe.
At 50 degrees above zero:
Italian and English cars won't start.
People in Iowa drive with the windows down.
At 40 degrees above zero:
People in Georgia don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, and wool hats.
People in Iowa throw on a flannel shirt.
At 35 degrees above zero:
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Iowa have the last cookout before it gets cold.
At 20 degrees above zero:
People in Miami all die.
People in Iowa close the windows.
At zero degrees:
People in Arizona fly away to Mexico.
People in Iowa get out their winter coats.
At 10 degrees below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates.
Girl Scouts in Iowa are selling cookies door to door.
At 20 degrees below zero:
Washington, DC, runs out of hot air.
People in Iowa let the dogs sleep indoors.
At 30 degrees below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Iowans get upset because they can't start the snowmobile.
At 40 degrees below zero:
ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Iowa start saying, "Cold enough for ya?"
At 50 degrees below zero:
Hell freezes over.
Iowa public schools will open 2 hours late.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
A True Story - guest blog
This was written by a friend. Names have been altered to protect the innocent.
Perhaps you have heard the story about the stuttering cat. If not, here it is for your reference.
The Stuttering Cat...
Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well,' she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went 'Sssss,ssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Shit,' the Rottweiler ate her!'
Well, I have a sequel to this story that is actually true.
A year ago, my daughter and son-in-law bought a house, got the yard fenced, and got a rescue puppy. Dyna, named after the Harley Davidson Dyna Street Bob, one of which my daughter just happens to own, is a Shepherd mix rescue dog, about 60 pounds or so. The kids also have a cat, one of the most obnoxious, hateful, spiteful cats you would ever want to be around. She likes them, my wife, and me, but hates everyone else, including my 100 pound Rottweiler, Beowulf, and the new dog, Dyna. She actually picked on Dyna when she was young, so Dyna grew up to be afraid of cats.
Their next door neighbors have an orange cat called Cheeto. It is orange like the cheese snack, hence the name. They had told me that Cheeto would corner Dyna in the backyard, but I found it hard to believe a 10 pound cat would corner a 60 pound dog. Anyway, last fall we went out to visit and took Beow along. Since the two dogs get really rambunctious together, we had Beow in the house for a while. I went to let him out, only to find Dyna cowering on the back step, with a big fluffy orange fur ball cat about ten feet away, starting at her. When I opened the door to let Beow out, Dyna desperately tried to get in and away from that killer cat in the yard. I wouldn't let her.
Beow went outside, and immediately started strolling toward the cat. The cat spun on its tracks and turned into an orange blur flowing across the yard. Of course, Beow took that as a challenge, so there was a black blur about six feet behind the orange one. Now if Cheeto had just jumped up on the fence, it would have all been good (but much less funny). I think Cheeto must be declawed, so rather than going up, he tried to duck between the fence boards. I don't know what he hit, but he bounced right back into the yard, spun around with just enough time to take one swipe at Beow's head, before totally disappearing inside Beow's mouth. There was a tail sticking out one side, and the tip of a nose sticking out the other. Beow was pushing the rest down into the grass and shaking it a bit. I was shouting at Beow to "let him go" and running to recover the cat remains.
To my surprise, Beow did let him go. Cheeto once again turned into an orange blur running to the other side of the yard, with another black blur, once again, six feet behind. This time, Cheeto ducked under a downspout, and made it through the fence. Beow ran through the downspout, sending it flying, and crashed into the fence. But Cheeto escaped.
I think Cheeto was fine, although probably short five or six of his nine lives. But... the kids say that he has NEVER returned to the yard. I was kind of wondering if Dyna had learned anything from Beow's example, but perhaps we will never find out. And I was having this terrible vision of taking an orange tail and and an orange head over to the neighbors, asking if they might have come from their cat.
Perhaps you have heard the story about the stuttering cat. If not, here it is for your reference.
The Stuttering Cat...
Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well,' she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went 'Sssss,ssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Shit,' the Rottweiler ate her!'
Well, I have a sequel to this story that is actually true.
A year ago, my daughter and son-in-law bought a house, got the yard fenced, and got a rescue puppy. Dyna, named after the Harley Davidson Dyna Street Bob, one of which my daughter just happens to own, is a Shepherd mix rescue dog, about 60 pounds or so. The kids also have a cat, one of the most obnoxious, hateful, spiteful cats you would ever want to be around. She likes them, my wife, and me, but hates everyone else, including my 100 pound Rottweiler, Beowulf, and the new dog, Dyna. She actually picked on Dyna when she was young, so Dyna grew up to be afraid of cats.
Their next door neighbors have an orange cat called Cheeto. It is orange like the cheese snack, hence the name. They had told me that Cheeto would corner Dyna in the backyard, but I found it hard to believe a 10 pound cat would corner a 60 pound dog. Anyway, last fall we went out to visit and took Beow along. Since the two dogs get really rambunctious together, we had Beow in the house for a while. I went to let him out, only to find Dyna cowering on the back step, with a big fluffy orange fur ball cat about ten feet away, starting at her. When I opened the door to let Beow out, Dyna desperately tried to get in and away from that killer cat in the yard. I wouldn't let her.
Beow went outside, and immediately started strolling toward the cat. The cat spun on its tracks and turned into an orange blur flowing across the yard. Of course, Beow took that as a challenge, so there was a black blur about six feet behind the orange one. Now if Cheeto had just jumped up on the fence, it would have all been good (but much less funny). I think Cheeto must be declawed, so rather than going up, he tried to duck between the fence boards. I don't know what he hit, but he bounced right back into the yard, spun around with just enough time to take one swipe at Beow's head, before totally disappearing inside Beow's mouth. There was a tail sticking out one side, and the tip of a nose sticking out the other. Beow was pushing the rest down into the grass and shaking it a bit. I was shouting at Beow to "let him go" and running to recover the cat remains.
To my surprise, Beow did let him go. Cheeto once again turned into an orange blur running to the other side of the yard, with another black blur, once again, six feet behind. This time, Cheeto ducked under a downspout, and made it through the fence. Beow ran through the downspout, sending it flying, and crashed into the fence. But Cheeto escaped.
I think Cheeto was fine, although probably short five or six of his nine lives. But... the kids say that he has NEVER returned to the yard. I was kind of wondering if Dyna had learned anything from Beow's example, but perhaps we will never find out. And I was having this terrible vision of taking an orange tail and and an orange head over to the neighbors, asking if they might have come from their cat.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Don't Blame Me - Blame Ginny
Subject: Copper Wire
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 200 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read:'California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'
One week later, The Des Moines Register, a local newspaper in Iowa, reported the following: After digging as deep as 300 feet in his flower garden in Storm Lake, Iowa, Jack Kooker, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Jack has, therefore, concluded that 300 years ago, Iowa had already gone wireless.
Who said Iowan's were dumb hicks?
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 200 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read:'California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'
One week later, The Des Moines Register, a local newspaper in Iowa, reported the following: After digging as deep as 300 feet in his flower garden in Storm Lake, Iowa, Jack Kooker, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Jack has, therefore, concluded that 300 years ago, Iowa had already gone wireless.
Who said Iowan's were dumb hicks?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)