Found for Friday

 Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' A mass for the poor creature?' 

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.' 

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?' 

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary and Joseph. Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?'

How long a minute is depends on side of the door of the bathroom door you’re on.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have the longer you live.

Living on earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.

-----Billy Crystal

The invention of the lock was the key to success.

This last weekend I drove around the Indianapolis motor Speedway on my John Deere. I was on a track tour.

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.

-----Kurt Vonnegut

I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to get up off the sofa today and ended up rocking myself to sleep

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

-----George Burns