Friday, June 24, 2016

Found for Friday

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard'

The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
-----Jerry M. Wright

People and alcoholic beverages should not be valued for being powerful, but rather for their purity, refinement and taste.
-----Dom Caristi

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Talk about getting old. I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.
-----Joan Rivers

After eating the ship, the sea monster needed an Alka seltzer because he could not believe he ate the hull thing.

I've heard about the rumors that I keep vats of acid at my home, but they're lyes - all lyes!

I started out with nothing ... I still have most of it.

The first time I used an elevator it was really uplifting, then it let me down.

When did my wild oats turn to prunes and Bran Flakes?

I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

Pre-arranged marriages pre-pair people for the future.

To termites, a group of dead trees is an arbor eat'um

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