Found For Friday

 There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy. Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home.

Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders. He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within traditional guidelines.

After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne. When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer to solve the problem.

Soon, the king's tiny hut was rigged with an elaborate system of ropes and pulleys. He could lower the huge throne for use during the day, and at night, he could haul the throne up, and lower his bed. This was truly the best of both worlds for the king.

Unfortunately, after a few months of constant use the ropes frayed, and one night, the throne slipped and came crashing down on the king, killing him.

The wise men of the island recognized a lesson in this experience and added to the lore of their people this statement: "People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones."

A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen.

Police say they have nothing to go on.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

How does Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it.

 I stayed up all night to see where the sun went; then it dawned on me.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I didn't like my beard at first, but it grew on me.

Found For Friday

A native American walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and is pulling a male buffalo with the other hand and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the native American a tall mug of coffee. After drinking the coffee down in one gulp, the native American turns and shoots the buffalo with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the native American returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and is pulling another male buffalo with the other hand. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"

The native American smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.

People say my jokes are adolescent.

Actually, most of them are full groan.

Aliens will never visit our solar system.

If they check the reviews they'll see we have only one star.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

I bought a High Definition TV because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on CSI.

I want to meet more French sailors.

I value their French ship.

The ancient Romans only gathered once a week,

because that was enough forum

Learning to collect trash wasn't that hard.

I picked it up as I went along.

Sad news: a struggling farmer died in a pitchfork accident.

Apparently he fell on hard tines.

Communists don't tell jokes unless everyone gets them.

Found For Friday

A 7-year old and a 4-year old are in their room playing
when the 7-year old brother turns to his little brother and says,
"I think it is time we started swearing.
When we go downstairs to breakfast,
Ill swear first then you." The 4-year old agrees and they head
down to breakfast.

At the table the mother asks, what the 7-year old wants
- to which he replies, "I will have Lucky Charms, A***ole!!!"

The mom hauls off and slaps him out of his chair,
and he runs out of the room crying.

Mom looks at the 4-year old and says, "
and what do YOU want!!?" To which the 4-year old responds,

"Don't know, but it won't be his Fu**ing Lucky Charms!!

I crossed a Malamute with a Pointer and got a Moot Point,

owned by... oh well, it doesn't matter.

I crossed a Collie with a Malamute and got a Commute:

a dog that travels to work.

I crossed a Deerhound with a Terrier and got a Derriere:

a dog that's true to the end.

As a Superhero, I would be "Typoman"

The writer of wrongs.

A car's weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.

I took my dog to the flea circus.

He stole the show

I'm making a graph of my past relationships.

It has an ex axis and a why axis

Arial, Times New Roman, Courier, and Helvetica Bold

walked into a bar. The bartender yelled -

"Hey! We don't serve your type in here!"

Just got a new job at a guillotine factory.

I'll be headed there shortly.

Found For Friday

 So a lady was in the bedroom with her lover when they heard the front door open and her husband coming home.

“Quick!” she said.  “Go stand in the corner and don’t move a muscle!”

Then she sprayed him with baby oil and covered him with talcum powder.

“Hi, Sweetheart,” said the husband as he came into the bedroom.  “Hey! Wait a minute! What’s that thing?”

“That?” she said.  “Oh, that’s a statue.  I was over visiting the Smiths, and they had one in their bedroom, so I ordered one for us too.”

“Well, OK,” said the husband, and put on his pajamas and climbed into bed.

About 3:00 the next morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen, made a sandwich, popped open a beer, and brought them back to the bedroom.

He handed them to the “statue.”

“Here,” he said.  “Have a little something to eat.  I stood in the Smiths’ corner like that for three whole days with nothing to eat or drink.”

A new type of broom just came out.

It's sweeping the nation.

So this guy was walking his pregnant dog on the road when suddenly his dog starts giving birth right there! Shortly after an officer pulled up and said “Sir I’m going to have to write you a ticket”

Baffled the guy asks what for. The officer replies...

... “littering”

I've decided I should have been an optometrist.

Most of them dilate.

The only place for diginity in defeat is at the shoe store.

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."—Robert Benchley

Iron Man and Silver Surfer should team up.

They could be alloys.

I called Animal Control and told them there was a pole cat clinging to my ceiling fan. They said they didn't believe me.

I told them, "You'll just have to take my whirred ferret."

It's been discovered that William Tell and his son belonged to a bowling league. But Swiss authorities have not been able to determine the name of the league's sponsors.

So we'll never get to know for whom the Tells bowled.

Carrie Underwood should do an album of Johnny Cash songs.

She could call it Cash and Carrie.