Monday Mutterings

Ginny sent me a couple of pictures she took of Bailey nd Max. She has gone back to Kansas City. I think she had a good time. She caught up with a lot of people while she was here.

I went to Des Moines tonight (what else is new) I got a new sport coat and shirt and met with Kurt to go over some ritual and then Sevren and Shane joined us and we went to Legends for supper. I had a really nice time with my Brothers. On the way to take Severen back to his car I caught a couple of pictures of Des Moines. I think they are awesome


You may wish to stop here as the rest of this is Introspection -

I had coffee with Wayne today. I think he wanted to get together with me to perk me up because of my last Monday's post when I was feeling down. I told him I was fine now, that I seem to go through ups and downs and yes, I was feeling down last week and I am pretty sure I know why. One of my good brother/friends is having a rough time and I was feeling sad about what he is going through. And Kurt and I kind of had a rough time (my fault) last week and I was feeling badly about that.

I get to feeling that way every once in awhile because a lot of the time I don't really like myself. I feel that way because of things that have happened in the past and I should know better but there have been a lot of instances where I let things get to me. I mean I know I have a lot of friends and there are (a few) people who like me but there are a bunch who don't and that can bother me.

I retired early from teaching. I had about three more years I could have taught but I got sick and had to go to the hospital with a major infection and blood sugar way over the top (600) and I damn near died. If it had not been for a couple of doctors I would have. While I was out of the classroom there was a young man who substituted for me and the person that I taught with must have liked him better because when I came back I found that she was talking about me behind my back, bad-mouthing me to my administrator and to parents and spreading poison about me wherever she could. I found out about it because a friend told me. My other teacher partner who had retired told me later that I was the "most innovative" teacher in the Ames Schools. I didn't try to be I just tried to teach in a way so that the kids would learn in the best way they could and I think I did a good job.

However when I had lost the confidence of my administrator and when parents were coming to me saying things which were not true I did my usual I took the advice of a person I thought was a friend and decided to retire early since I could rather than fight the crap which Mrs. M was sending my way. This woman was a major hypocrite. She was friendly to my face and knifing me behind my back. I just decided that it was time to remove myself from the situation. (Besides my sister needed to have some help (having just put herself in a wheelchair from an auto accident) and it was better if I could be at home to help her.) Because of Mrs. M and her poison I refused to allow the school to give me a retirement party. I was not going to sit through the administrator trying to say nice things about me or others so I said no. I sometimes cut off my nose to spite my face... At that point in time I just did not want to be around any of them.

I did do one thing which made me feel better about the whole situation. Usually I just let thing go and went away and nursed my hurt feelings until I got over it. This time the woman called me up and wanted to tell me how sorry she was I was in the hospital and she would come up to see me. I told her not to bother, that I was not interested in anything she had to say to me as I knew what she had been saying about me behind my back and I did not consider her a friend. Then I hung up on her. She had a group of friends who were really a clique and who shut everybody out in the school and the administrator allowed it to happen so I lost a lot of respect for him even though he had a doctorate. One of those in her clique told someone that "Jay hates E." Well that was not true. I did not hate her.. I just refused to put up with her hypocrisy and told her so. I could care less about her. I don't have feelings for her one way or another. I don't wish her ill. I just won't allow her to tell me she cares about me after she did what she did to me behind my back. Sometimes you just have to take a stand.

As it turned out it was a good thing to retire early because a year later I developed an ankle condition that required ankle-fusion surgery and I was off my leg for about 4 months. (Now I have one leg shorter than the other and have changed my name to Eileen (say it out loud)) - So sometimes all of that gets to me and I get to feeling down.

I don't always think that people like me. I get to thinking about someone I thought was a friend but who has not been in contact and I have not seen her since March 9th and then I sometimes think about how I lost another person as a friend because I tried to hard and turned him off and I worry that I will do that again so sometimes I just let things wear me down. And come to think about it doesn't everybody get that way once in awhile. And sometimes the pity party is the way I deal with it. I shouldn't put it on the blog but I do and you get to put up with it.

I also feel sorry for myself because I can't go for long walks in the woods or even walk in the back yard because of my gimpy leg/foot and that is just stupid because there are a lot of people worse off than I am. I am extremely grateful for those of you who read this blog and who from time to time let me know about it by leaving comments. It is a wonderful way to have contacts with people from all over the world. In the meantime thanks for stopping by Always Remember That You Are Loved. Hugs, j

Monday Diary

We practiced tonight. Got further than we had in the past. - It has been difficult to get the time to study and practice since Kurt has been working so hard and Lyssa has to work some of the nights we had scheduled to work. However we will get there. Kurt wants to do this and the Council needs to have Instructors. Of course we also get off topic - but you know that.




I can be a hard task-master. After all I was a teacher for 38 years. But Kurt is the one who is doing the work. I just hold the book and tell him if he misses a word, syllable or comma. AAfter we went to the World Market and I got some coffee from the Cafe de Monde in New Orleans. It has chicory in in and I will have it for breakfast in the morning and lift my cup to Ur-Spo who reads this blog and who has a birthday tomorrow. Got some other "stuff" also. I like to shop.

It was a busy day for me today. I had to take care of a lot of things on the Internet before the Mediacom guy came to switch me from Qwest DSL to Mediacom. Some people tell me I will be sorry but I don't think so. I am already pleased with the speed at which things load. The Cable Guy told me he had never seen such a speedy connection. I am very pleased and I will save about $40 a month.

I also got the Annual Report done for the Iowa College and the check written and mailed. That is one thing off my plate. It was actually a fairly easy form to fill out.

Bailey is back to normal. He is back to being feisty and fun and not laying around like a lethagarian. I am so very pleased about it. Jo came over and picked up Max and took him for a long walk. In fact I went to Des Moines for practice and we ate at the Macaroni Grill and I beat him home. So it is late and I don't have much to say. Thanks for stopping by. I do know that Bob went out to take some pictures of lilys. He said he took about 600 pictures. I'll bet they are spectacular. ARTYAL. Hugs. j

Encounters

I went to Des Moines tonight to work with Kurt on Council Ritual. We had a good time. When we went out to the car this little fellow was sitting on my car right between the wipers. He (or she) flew up to the window and Kurt snapped this photo. I worry about it. Little doves should be out in the fields. But I guess I am too much of a softie. Not a pigeon they can do their own thing - I don't worry about them.


We both love the Council Ritual. Especially the work of the Royal Master Degree. There is a part of it that was written my Max Erhmann. Severn joined us at Djengo's for dinner and we got to talking about the ritual. I tried to remember this which was also written by Erhmann. Of course I couldn't so I went out and found it on the (wonderful) internets and share it with you here.

DISEDERATA---> resemblance of life

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant, they, too, have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons. They are vexations of the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about; for in the face of all aridity and enchantment, it is perennial as grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars, you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul. With all its sham and drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.

Max Erhmann

I had a doctor's appointment this morning and he said my blood pressure was good and my cholesterol was good and my blood sugars were in a good range. So I feel good about that.

I have noticed that my numbers are down. It was fun being a blog of note but I feel more relaxed now. Hope those who are still stopping by are enjoying my poor offering. ARTYAL. Hugs, j