Monday Mutterings

Ginny sent me a couple of pictures she took of Bailey nd Max. She has gone back to Kansas City. I think she had a good time. She caught up with a lot of people while she was here.

I went to Des Moines tonight (what else is new) I got a new sport coat and shirt and met with Kurt to go over some ritual and then Sevren and Shane joined us and we went to Legends for supper. I had a really nice time with my Brothers. On the way to take Severen back to his car I caught a couple of pictures of Des Moines. I think they are awesome


You may wish to stop here as the rest of this is Introspection -

I had coffee with Wayne today. I think he wanted to get together with me to perk me up because of my last Monday's post when I was feeling down. I told him I was fine now, that I seem to go through ups and downs and yes, I was feeling down last week and I am pretty sure I know why. One of my good brother/friends is having a rough time and I was feeling sad about what he is going through. And Kurt and I kind of had a rough time (my fault) last week and I was feeling badly about that.

I get to feeling that way every once in awhile because a lot of the time I don't really like myself. I feel that way because of things that have happened in the past and I should know better but there have been a lot of instances where I let things get to me. I mean I know I have a lot of friends and there are (a few) people who like me but there are a bunch who don't and that can bother me.

I retired early from teaching. I had about three more years I could have taught but I got sick and had to go to the hospital with a major infection and blood sugar way over the top (600) and I damn near died. If it had not been for a couple of doctors I would have. While I was out of the classroom there was a young man who substituted for me and the person that I taught with must have liked him better because when I came back I found that she was talking about me behind my back, bad-mouthing me to my administrator and to parents and spreading poison about me wherever she could. I found out about it because a friend told me. My other teacher partner who had retired told me later that I was the "most innovative" teacher in the Ames Schools. I didn't try to be I just tried to teach in a way so that the kids would learn in the best way they could and I think I did a good job.

However when I had lost the confidence of my administrator and when parents were coming to me saying things which were not true I did my usual I took the advice of a person I thought was a friend and decided to retire early since I could rather than fight the crap which Mrs. M was sending my way. This woman was a major hypocrite. She was friendly to my face and knifing me behind my back. I just decided that it was time to remove myself from the situation. (Besides my sister needed to have some help (having just put herself in a wheelchair from an auto accident) and it was better if I could be at home to help her.) Because of Mrs. M and her poison I refused to allow the school to give me a retirement party. I was not going to sit through the administrator trying to say nice things about me or others so I said no. I sometimes cut off my nose to spite my face... At that point in time I just did not want to be around any of them.

I did do one thing which made me feel better about the whole situation. Usually I just let thing go and went away and nursed my hurt feelings until I got over it. This time the woman called me up and wanted to tell me how sorry she was I was in the hospital and she would come up to see me. I told her not to bother, that I was not interested in anything she had to say to me as I knew what she had been saying about me behind my back and I did not consider her a friend. Then I hung up on her. She had a group of friends who were really a clique and who shut everybody out in the school and the administrator allowed it to happen so I lost a lot of respect for him even though he had a doctorate. One of those in her clique told someone that "Jay hates E." Well that was not true. I did not hate her.. I just refused to put up with her hypocrisy and told her so. I could care less about her. I don't have feelings for her one way or another. I don't wish her ill. I just won't allow her to tell me she cares about me after she did what she did to me behind my back. Sometimes you just have to take a stand.

As it turned out it was a good thing to retire early because a year later I developed an ankle condition that required ankle-fusion surgery and I was off my leg for about 4 months. (Now I have one leg shorter than the other and have changed my name to Eileen (say it out loud)) - So sometimes all of that gets to me and I get to feeling down.

I don't always think that people like me. I get to thinking about someone I thought was a friend but who has not been in contact and I have not seen her since March 9th and then I sometimes think about how I lost another person as a friend because I tried to hard and turned him off and I worry that I will do that again so sometimes I just let things wear me down. And come to think about it doesn't everybody get that way once in awhile. And sometimes the pity party is the way I deal with it. I shouldn't put it on the blog but I do and you get to put up with it.

I also feel sorry for myself because I can't go for long walks in the woods or even walk in the back yard because of my gimpy leg/foot and that is just stupid because there are a lot of people worse off than I am. I am extremely grateful for those of you who read this blog and who from time to time let me know about it by leaving comments. It is a wonderful way to have contacts with people from all over the world. In the meantime thanks for stopping by Always Remember That You Are Loved. Hugs, j