Smile Please

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'

'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try it now,' said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?

The bee answered,

Wait for it. Wait for it..


You're just gonna love this..





OK, A friend sent this to me. I don't find the spill in the Gulf funny at all and BP has lost my business. In fact one place where I stopped to get gas I discovered that it was a BP station (They did not have a big sign that said BP so I had to drive up to see it. I drove about a block further down the road and paid at least 6 cents a gallon more to get gas at a non BP station. I think the way BP has behaved with this whole situation is just unconscionable. I don't like that there is a spill but they are responsible for it and their actions in trying to keep how bad it is from the public and getting people to sign waivers and keeping the workers from their families for so long is just wrong. So they are added to the places I won't purchase from.

In 1976 I was swimming in the Mediterranean Sea off the coast of Egypt. There were chunks of tar floating in the ocean and some of it got on me. I had to work quite a bit to get the damn stuff off so when I see the brown pelicans covered in that gunk it breaks my heart. We need to take care of this and then work together to make sure it never happens again. However I do not hold out much hope as long as the politicians kow tow to big oil. Thanks for stopping by. I will try to lighten up in the future. Hugs, j

Too good to keep until Friday

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying..

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like te eth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic, anorexic little aerobics instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich..

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Thanks Kathy!

Shakespearean plays.

For Spo

A Shakespearean Repertory Company sent an advance man around to put up signs advertising the six plays they would be putting on when they got to town. Unfortunately he went to a pub and spent way to much money on booze, gambling and wenches. The next morning when he checked his purse he had only enough money for one sign. Being the creative individual that he was he used the sign below to advertise the six plays.

Study them - identify the plays then scroll down for the answer. If you get them all correct you are either a real Shakespearean fan or you nave the same nasty mind that I have. Here goes. (Pretend they are on a sign board, I am not computer literate enough to do this right.

Wet Dry
3" 6" 12"
Miscarriage




(Wet)Midsummer Night's Dream
(Dry)
The Twelfth Night(3")
Much Ado About Nothing(6")
As You Like It(12')
The Taming of the Shrew(Miscarriage)
Love's Labor Lost

I know, Sophomoric but that is what happens. Also please notice that Will and I have two things in common.  We are both bald and we write....but I will admit he is much better than I am.  Thanks for stopping by, Hugs. jcs

On July 5th

They woke up and thought "Oh S**T! What have we done!"