Why I fired my Secretary
well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife
would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!",
and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning,
let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent..
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss!, and by the way
Happy Birthday! " It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table. We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You
know, It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?"
I responded, "I guess not.
What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.."
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if you don't
mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed
by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday."
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her. "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled 'Love' and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her, " I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill and then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion and my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia ."
Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry. There will be hell to pay later!
One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a
tree. 'Which road do I take?' she asked. His response was a question:
'Where do you want to go?' 'I don't know,' Alice answered. 'Then,'
said the cat, 'it doesn't matter.'
Lewis Carroll
1864-1928, writer
1864-1928, writer
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently
with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin ' a cove well-known for
its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, ' Do you have a license to catch those
fish? '
' Naw, sir ' , replied the redneck. ' I ain't got none of them there
licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish. '
' Pet fish? '
' Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let '
em swim ' round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back
into these here ice chests and I take ' em home. '
' That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that. '
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, ' It's the
truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works. '
' O. K.. ' , said the warden. ' I've got to see this! '
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says, ' Well? '
' Well, what? ' , says the redneck.
The warden says, ' When are you going to call them back? '
' Call who back? '
' The FISH ' , replied the warden!
' What fish? ' , replied the redneck.
Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we
ain't as dumb as some government employees.
Sick Leave.
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who is blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, ...And where do you think you're going?"
(You're gonna love this......)
She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark."
You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.
The Zen of Sarcasm
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day .
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving .
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
AND
22 . Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following
simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimes, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.
