Found For Friday

Bad In Bed

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion."

Naked Dinner

A man and a woman were celebrating their 50th anniversary. They were talking before their dinner about how they should celebrate their big evening. The woman decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband. Then he said they should do what they did on their wedding night and eat at the dinner table naked. The woman agreed. Later that night at the table, the woman says, "Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago." The man replies, "That's because they are sitting in your soup."

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the 

courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I 

finally snap!

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please.  I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

I like my middle finger best because it always sticks up for me!

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings.  Not sure what I'll do that second week.

I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my kids took it!

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW.

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

It's cold out. I am craving some really big sandwiches... It must be the subs-hero temperatures.

Sunday Joke: a Higgs Boson ran into the church and shouted, "Stop. You can't have mass without me."

I learned to make ice cream in sundae school.

The invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at, either.

In jail convicts use cell phones

A baker stopped making donuts after he got tired of the hole thing.

Seafood should avoid the gym. They are likely to pull a mussel.

A guy drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

If ionized fertilizer is delivered after business hours, the nitrate will be charged.

My friend was fired from the calendar factory. All he did was take a day off.

I think I want a job cleaning mirrors. It’s just something I could really see myself doing.