Found For Friday

AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND

TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.

AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING

SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE

AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER

STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH

A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF

WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG

GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE

OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN,

HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER

AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE...

NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER

GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG,

YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED

SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR --

NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF -

-STARTED HOPPING AROUND.

EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS

LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED,

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER,

STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN

AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED

OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN,

AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.

THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH

THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED

LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS,

TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY.

THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.

THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN

STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE

LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED

IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID,

"SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD

AND SAID, "NO M'AM...

BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.

THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 - Never be arrogant.

2 - Don't waste ammunition.

3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.

5 - Don't mess with old people;

they didn't get old by being stupid.

Where did Noah keep his bees?

In the Ark hives.

What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?

A waist of time.

I've got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.

It's a complex complex complex.

When does a joke become a Dad joke?

When it's fully groan.

I tried to sue the airline for misplacing my luggage.

I lost my case.

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks.

Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.

My friend Steve drowned, so at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.

Well, it's what he would have wanted.

Did you hear about the pessimist who hates German sausage?

He always fears the Wurst.