Found for Friday

From MadPriest

I am so very sorry...

From MadDad:

The lawyer says to the CEO, "I have some good news, and I have some bad news."

The CEO replies, "I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer says: "Your wife invested $5000.00 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 million."

The CEO replies "That's brilliant news! You've made my day. Now, what is the bad news?"

The lawyer answers, "The pictures are of you having sex with your secretary."

A drunk kissed a woman sitting next to him at the bar and she slapped him. "I'm sorry" said the drunk, "but you look just like my wife." The woman shouted, "Leave me alone, you worthless drunk. You're disgusting - get away from me." He responded, "You sound just like her, too."

Old skydivers never die, they're just more down to earth.

Truckers prefer homes with long haulways.

A lawyer asked his dentist to give him a retainer.

Riots at department stores are just shopping mauls.

Nasa accepted the wildebeest's application and so around our planet a brave gnu whirled

Washing blankets with perfume is quilty until proven in a scent. Séamus' music career never took off after being accused of shamrock

Shepherds are sheepish people who don't like staff meetings

A tectonic plate bumped into another tectonic plate. The first one said, "Oops - sorry - my fault."

Cryptographers make terrible drummers. They just sit there fascinated by all the cymbals.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

Farmers will bring buckets of milk to church so it can be pastorized.

My dyslexia is really bad. I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

I know a nurse that carries a red pen....in case she has to draw blood.

Politicians are not ones for Indian food but they are good at currying favors.

An undertaker can be one of your best friends because they are the last ones to let you down.

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Twelve male sheep with beepers created quite the ram-page.