A priest is giving a homily based on Jesus's command to love your enemies.
"Now," he says, "I'll bet that many of us feel as if we have enemies in our lives," he says the congregation. "So raise your hands," he says, "if you have many enemies." And quite a few people raise their hands. "Now raise your hands if you have only a few enemies." And about half as many people raise their hands. "Now raise your hands if you have only one or two enemies." And even fewer people raised their hands. "See," says the priest, "most of us feel like we have enemies."
"Now raise your hands if you have no enemies at all." And the priest looks around, and looks around, and finally, way in the back, a very, very old man raises his hand. He stands up and says, "I have no enemies whatsoever!" Delighted, the priest invites the man to the front of the church. "What a blessing!" the priest says. "How old are you?
"I'm 98 years old, and I have no enemies." The priest says, "What a wonderful Christian life you lead! And tell us all how it is that you have no enemies."
"All the bastards have died!"
Did you hear about the new liberal Episcopal church?
It has six commandments and four suggestions.
A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice." And the priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were at confession?"
"Never, Father -- I'm Jewish."
"So why are you telling me?"
"I'm tellin' everybody!"
Three couples--an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple--wanted to join a Baptist church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor goes up to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor goes to the middle-aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.
The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a light bulb on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I couldn't help myself and we had sex right there on the floor."
The pastor said, "Well, then you're not welcome in the Baptist church."
"That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."
A woman dies and goes to heaven, and St. Peter takes her on a tour of heaven. They pass a pit where there were people gnashing their teeth and wailing, and the woman says, "Who's down there?"
St. Peter says, "Oh, those are the Catholics who ate meat on Fridays."
They walked a little farther and there was another pit with more groaning and wailing, and she says, "O.K., who's down there?"
St. Peter answers, "Those are the Baptists who went to dances."
And a little farther along, there was another pit and people down there gnashing their teeth and crying and ripping their garments, and she says, "And those people?"
And St. Peter says, "Those are the Episcopalians who ate their salads with their dessert forks."
Why should you always invite TWO Baptists to go fishing with you?
If you only invite one, he'll drink all your beer. Invite two and they won't drink any
You may have noticed that liturgical practices of the Episcopal and Roman Catholic churches have a lot in common, and their members are often very much alike. Here is one distinction that I have confirmed by a random sampling: Episcopalians get out of the shower to pee.
Q: Who was the worlds first carpenter?
A: Eve, because she made Adams banana stand.
Q: Why was Noah the best businessman in the Bible?
A: He floated his stock while everybody else was being liquidated.
Q: What do you call Pope Benedict XVI after his last day?
A: Ex Benedict.
Q: Why did the priest giggle?
A: Mass hysteria!
Q: How is a Catholic priest like a Christmas tree?
A: The balls are just for decoration.
Q: What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
A: A tran-sister.
