Found for Friday

 A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? Its been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well, then could you fix the fridge door? It wont close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I"m not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how"d this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hell00000... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

I have a fear of speed bumps.

I'm slowly getting over it.

Dad: Be careful standing near those trees.

Daughter: Why? The sky is clear and there's no chance of lightning.

Dad: I don't know really. They just look kind of shady to me.

Nurse: Do you smoke?

Dad: Only when I'm on fire

*Holding a stepladder*

This is my stepladder. I never knew my real ladder.

*Reversing the car*

Ahh, this takes me back.

How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.

 Dad: You know a train has been through here.

Me: How can you tell?

Dad: It left tracks.

Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, no atmosphere.

Why do chicken coops only have two doors?

Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans