Found for Friday

 A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!" 

"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied. 

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" 

"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde." 

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. 

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother. 

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "

No, it's because you're 25."

Dad: If you're cold you should sit in the corner.

Me: Why?

Dad: Because it's 90 degrees!

Dad finds a suitcase in the woods filled with three raccoons. He calls the police.*

Dispatcher: This is 911, how can I help you?

Dad: Hi, I just found a suitcase filled with three raccoons.

Dispatcher: That's awful. Are they moving?

Dad: No. That would explain the suitcase, though.

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey.

But then I turned myself around.

Me: I'll call you later.

Dad: Don't call me later, call me Dad.

Grandad at my Grandma's funeral.

Me: Are you alright?

Grandad: No, I'm half left.

What do you call a man with no nose and no body?

Nobody nose.

A bug hits the windshield while driving*

Bet he doesn't have the guts to do that again.

Me: Did you get a haircut?

Dad: No, I got them all cut.

Two fish in a tank. 

One turns to the other and says, "How do you drive this thing?"

Apparently, a man in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.


Poor guy.

I'm whining about something *

Dad: Would you like a straw?

Me: Why?

Dad: So you can suck it up

Those are really special cows.

They're outstanding in their field.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow? 


You look for the fresh prints.