Found For Friday

 Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.

-----Agatha Christie

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

-----Will Rogers

You should never drink beyond the pint of no return.

Steps to surviving on a dessert island.

1. Check spelling

2. If correct, enjoy.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

I used to be a lumberjack,  but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

 A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.