Found For Friday

A native American walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and is pulling a male buffalo with the other hand and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the native American a tall mug of coffee. After drinking the coffee down in one gulp, the native American turns and shoots the buffalo with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the native American returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and is pulling another male buffalo with the other hand. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"

The native American smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

Did you hear about the duck with the drug problem? He was a quackhead…

Whether you use a keyboard or knife, be careful with your backslash.

I usually take steps to avoid elevators.

Being a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.

Did you hear about the fight at a local laundromat? A washing machine beat the crap out of a diaper.

I know a lady who wants to become a practicing witch, but all of her incantations come out wrong.

Does anyone know where I can get her a spell-checker?

Podiatry books use footnotes while proctology books use endnotes.

I ate four cans of alphabet soup.

I just had the biggest vowel movement ever.

I had some calves fattened up and ready for the market.

Turned really cold, their tails froze and broke off.

I was going to wholesale them, but I guess I'll have to retail them now.

I got this new chapstick the other day. It's the balm!!

The survival rate after a fall into a deep hole is abyssmal.

The man on the unicycle may be poorly dressed but there is a good chance he is a more balanced person.

What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire.

I don't know how to put on a helmet - the whole idea goes right over my head.