Found For Friday

 An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. "There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear." Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. "Now you must do the same," he told the class. After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed. "Second," the professor continued, "you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?"

A pickle maker fell into one of the vats at work. Doctors determined he suffered a brine injury.

A patient asked me what sort of wife should he take. I replied you should take a single woman and leave the wives alone.

The racers all had shorts on that were too small so it was a tight race.

I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up my butt.

I used to work at a knife factory but then it got dull.

If I ever get a dog I will name him Spot.

That way, every day I can say, "Out, damned Spot."

It's so dry in Texas that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.

Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes.

I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

I saw an add for a stereo for $5 but the volume knob was busted. I thought to myself, well I can't turn that down!

If you're alone and get too cold you might become ice-olated.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine