Found for Fridays

 '...Bernie (my attorney) goes to see his rabbi and says, "I think my wife is trying to poison me. In fact, I know it."

The rabbi says, "Calm down, calm down. Give me a chance to talk to her and I'll get back to you."

Three days later, the rabbi calls and says,"I had a long talk with Sarah. We talked for about three hours."

Bernie, "Well, what is your advice?"

"Take the poison."

A reporter meets a man carrying an eight-foot-long metal stick and asks, “Are you a pole vaulter?”

“No,” says the man, “I’m German. But how did you know my name is Walter?

I heard the swimming teams had to pool their resources to afford the trip to Rio.

A gymnast walks into a bar.

She gets a two point deduction and loses a chance for a medal.

It would be very confusing if tanning were an Olympic event.

The best anyone could ever get is bronze.

How is playing the bagpipes like throwing a javelin blindfolded? You don’t have to be very good to get people’s attention.

Sometimes cyclists are two tired to finish the race.

The blond started crying when she read the news that a Brazilian died in an earthquake. When asked why, she said,

"I don't know how many a Brazilian is, but it sure sounds like a lot."

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get into the Olympics but they don't have tickets. The Scotsman picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.

"McTavish, Scotland" he says, "Discus," and in he walks. The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.

"Waddington-Smythe, England," he says, "Pole vault," and in he walks.

The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland," he says, "Fencing."

Apparently the maid I hired to clean my house while I was watching the Olympics was only second best.

She just walked off with the silver.