A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer and sat and drank it and he heard a voice. "Nice tie." Nobody was there except him and the bartender. "Really cool shirt, too." He thought he must be losing his mind. "I like your hair that way." He said to the bartender, "I keep hearing this voice." "Those are the peanuts, sir. They're complimentary.
They won't know who robbed the Scotch factory until they check the tape.
A pony walks into a bar and whispers to the bartender, “Can I have a beer?” The bartender replies, “Sure, but why are you whispering?” The pony answers, “I’m sorry. I’m just a little hoarse.”
I don't find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.
Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old
was resisting a rest.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
Those who lose their grip at wood chopping competitions are quickly defeeted.
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel attached to the front of his pants. Bartender asks, "Doesn't that thing bother you?" Pirate replies, "Arrgh, it's drivin' me nuts."
To some - marriage is a word ... to others - a sentence.
Those who carry too many buckets start feeling pail.
Underwater ophthalmology lens itself to more aqueous humor
and cornea puns.
Those who hate classical music have my symphony.
I couldn't remember how to throw a boomerang .. but then it came back to me.
The other day I held a door open for a clown .. thought it was a nice jester.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
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