I've decided to become a charismatic evangelical.
You see, I went to one of their healing services the other day. I sat down and the minister came up to me, laid his hands on my head and said: "By the will of God you will walk today."
I told him I was not paralysed. I could walk perfectly well, thank you very much.
But he ignored me. He laid his hands on me again and repeated "By the will of Almighty God and his son, Jeeeezus Christ, you will walk today."
Once again, I told him there is nothing wrong with me and before he could start molesting me again I got up walked out of his church. And bugger me! He was right all along. Some bastard had stolen my car.
From the Naughty Vicar (altered for his American friends who aren't anywhere near as bilingual as his British friends by MadPriest):
A young lad and his girlfriend get it together in the back seat of his car. Afterwards the guy leans back on his seat panting. He wipes the sweat off his forehead and looks at the girl who appears equally flushed.
"Golly," he says, "I wouldn't have tried that if I knew you were a virgin."
His girlfriend smooths down her skirt and replies, "If I'd known you were going to try that I'd have taken my pantyhose off first!"
If I think I've seen an idiot before, is that a case of deja fool?
Those who study tornadoes have twistered minds.
The couple who met in a revolving door are still going round together.
The entomologist's wardrobe was really fly, but her friend the physicist always had something tachyon.
People who cry a lot have a wail of a time.
How do mountains see? They peak.
Whoever had the bright idea to invent the flashlight?
Pocket bread stuffed with pocket bread makes a pitaful excuse for a sandwich.
These reversing cameras are great. Since I got one I haven't looked back.
The doorway was crushed when the transom was taken for ransom
Some aquatic mammals at the zoo escaped. It was otter chaos.
When I saw the White Cliffs of Dover, I realized that the old saying was true. Chalk is steep.
I need to drive to the shop to buy some ingredients for my guacamole but I don't avocado.
The chefs argued about the flatbread until they realized it was a naan issue.
I was accused of stealing a house, but all charges were dropped as the claims were without foundation.
No comments:
Post a Comment