Found For Friday

 A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, 'This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.'

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?'

The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar.

'What did I tell you?' said the barber. 'That kid never learns!'

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store and says, 'Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?'

The boy licked his cone and replied, 'Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!'

The first time I used an elevator it was really uplifting, then it let me down.

People who cry a lot have a wail of a time.

How do mountains see? They peak.

How do spacemen add more protein to their diet? They make it meteor.

Doctors feel fine on ships because they are accustomed to see sickness.

My phone has to wear glasses ever since it lost its contacts.

I refuse to work with compost, it's degrading.

When I saw the White Cliffs of Dover, I realized that the old saying was true. Chalk is steep.

Some aquatic mammals at the zoo escaped. It was otter chaos.

The doorway was crushed when the transom was taken for ransom.

Overworked physicists put too many ions in the fire.

After injuring my upper arm and wearing an ice pack, my wife accused me of giving her the cold shoulder.

Proper punctuation can make the difference between a sentence that's well-written and a sentence that's, well, written.