A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar. It's about 5 p.m., but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: "Last call." So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my giraffe."
The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the giraffe falls over dead.
The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells:
"Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."
To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a giraffe."
A police officier is stopped at a red light. While there, he notices quite a din coming from the trunk of a car in front of him. He approaches the driver of said car and instructs him to get out of the vehicle and open the trunk. The driver complies, and in the trunk are a dozen giraffes.
The police officer says, "Take these giraffes to the zoo immediately!!" The driver says, "Right away officer!" and drives off.
The following day the cop is at the same red light, and who should be stopped in front of him but the same car with the same loud noise coming from the trunk.
The cop is really irritated now and again tells the driver to get out and open his trunk. There are the same dozen giraffes, only this time they're all wearing sunglasses.
The policeman says, "I told you to take these giraffes to the zoo!", to which the driver replies, "But officer, I did...today they want to go to the beach!"
Everything's starting to click for me!
My knees, my neck, my back.
The hand surgeon went to the ophthalmologist to be examined for carpal tunnel vision.
I saw a sign that said, "Watch batteries installed - $5."
How bored do you have to be to pay $5 to watch somebody install batteries?
I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition.
When Kim went into labor the first time, she started randomly shouting,
"Can't, won't, couldn't, wouldn't, shouldn't."
I got really scared until I realized she was just having contractions.
How do you keep a bagel from getting away?
You put lox on it.
Why can't a woman ask her brother for help?
Because he can't be a brother and assist her, too.
A drummer can cymbalize the enthusiasm of a band.
When Peter Pan punches, they Neverland.
I went to see a far Eastern monk who sells reincarnations.
He's a used karma dealer.
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