Friday, April 8, 2016

Found For Friday

Two little kids decide it's time to learn how to swear. So the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say 'ass' and I'll say 'hell'." 
Excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. 
"Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." 
His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room. Then she turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?" she asks. 

"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios."

I was in an '80s band called Prevention.
We were better than The Cure.

(Shit, You're still here!)

Has anyone heard of the movie, "Constipation?" It's highly anticipated and I can't wait for it to come out!

I ate a clock yesterday.
It was so time consuming,

A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for ten times as much beer as everyone else.
The bartender says, "Now THAT is an order of magnitude!"

I thought about going on an all-almond diet.
But then I thought, "that's just nuts."

I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.

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