Found For Friday

 A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a pair of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help," she said. "I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Er --", the man started to say. "No, I insist," she replied.

"But --" "I insist," she repeated, and despite his objections, she gently moved his hands to the side and loosened his pants. Then she put her hands inside and began to massage him. After a moment she asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "Well, it feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

You're living, you occupy space, you have mass. You know what that means?

You matter.

Why is there music coming from my printer?

The paper must be jamming again.

Experts say the cost of funerals have risen 50%, they blame it on the cost of living.

That religious fellow fell for the same scam two times in a row. He is a burned again christian.

I dined with a girl at the local beanery was immediately inflatuated.

Amtrak is going off the rails.

That religious fellow fell for the same scam two times in a row. He is a burned again Christian.

I went scuba diving and saw a ship twitching uncontrollably on the ocean floor.

It was a nervous wreck.

I injured my finger preparing cheese for our pasta.

I seem to have grater problems.

Why did the lights go out?

Because they liked each other.

Coffee is the silent victim in our house.

It gets mugged every day.

I'm replacing the electronic ringer at the front door with a knocker.

I'm hoping for a No - Bell prize.