Found for Friday

 I was visiting a friend at a retirement center a few days ago. While there I met an older lady whom I’d judge to be in her mid-eighties.  As we chatted, she told me she was very excited and very busy because  she was going to be married the next week.  For the fourth time.

I told her that was wonderful news.  But then I asked why, after three previous marriages and at her age, she wanted to get married again.

“Well,” she said, “ I just like the companionship of being married.  And I figure age isn’t a big deal.  My fiancé is a funeral director, by the way.”

“That’s interesting,” I said.  “Just out of curiosity, what did your previous husbands do?”

She thought a moment, and then said, “The first one was a banker, and a wonderful man.  The second was the ringmaster for a circus, believe it or not.  And the third was a travel agent who planned luxury vacations for people.”

“Fascinating!” I said.  But how did you come to marry such different people?”

“It’s like this,” she replied.  “I always followed the old rule: one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.

Hanging out with an origami expert has been great.

My attitude has improved tenfold.

A British friend claimed that he could make a pun out of any subject.

I said,"what about the queen?"

He replied,"don't be silly. The queen is not a subject."

There's a documentary about all the confusion over Daylight Saving.

It's about time!

When a snail loses its shell it looks sluggish.

I just got a new job at a guillotine factory.

I'll beheading there shortly.

The hunter stir fried his game because he liked to wok on the wild side.

I was abducted by a gang of mimes.

They did unspeakable things to me.

My friend asked me to pass him his chapstick.

I passed him a glue stick.

He's still not speaking me.

Scientists have discovered that sausages are directly linked to one another.

2 cows are grazing in a field. 1 cow says to the other, "you ever worry about that mad cow disease?". The other cow says, "why would i care? I'm a helicopter!".

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.