An English landlady was dating 2 of her tenants, both of them playwrights. She could not determine which of them to marry; so she decided to let fate decide. So she baked 5 of her famous round flat wheatcakes and put poison in one of them; deciding to marry the survivor. However, the two playwrights twisted fate for her when they split the last one, the poisoned one, between them.
The police arrested her for "killing two bards with one scone"
A bipartisan push in Congress for medical marijuana for arthritis sufferers would be
joint support for joint support for joint support.
A pair of jumper cables walked in to a bar.
The bartender said, "Hey you! Don't start anything!!!"
An instructor at an ice cream parlor is a sundae school teacher.
A bartender was summoned to court with a subpoena colada.
As I was checking out at the grocery store, the kid bagging the groceries asked me if I wanted paper or plastic. I told him I didn't care; he could choose whichever was easiest for him. He just kept staring blankly back and forth between the paper bag and the plastic sack. And then I remembered
"Baggers can't be choosers"
I hate when people say, "Hey, wake up! Get out of bed, the sun is out!"
What am I supposed to do? Photosynthesize?!?
I used to just crastinate, but I got so good I went pro.
Several states were delighted by the solar eclipse.
Why do all Marxists drink imitation tea?
Because all proper tea is theft.
On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. I didn’t know anybody.
I was surrounded by trees.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
I was duped into making unnecessary HVAC repairs.
I guess that makes me a Carrier pigeon.
A sky diving photographer was arrested for in-descent exposures.
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