One day Glen had a rather serious heart attack. Fortunately he was rushed unconscious to the hospital, where he was treated immediately. The attending cardiologists agreed that his chances at a full recovery were very good, and he was taken, still unconscious, to the cardiac intensive care unit to begin his recovery.
The next morning he awakened, quite groggy, but feeling much better. He had an oxygen mask over his face, and all kinds of IV tubes in his arms.
Just as he woke up, a lovely young student nurse entered his room and proceeded to give him a sponge bath.
“Nurse,” said Glen, “tell me: are my testicles black?”
“Oh, sir!” blushed the young lady. “I’m just beginning as a student nurse, and I’m only allowed to wash your torso and your feet. I certainly can’t examine your private parts!”
Glen took as deep a breath as he was able to manage, and said, “PLEASE TELL ME! Are my TESTICLES BLACK?”
The student nurse was even more embarrassed. But she raised the covers, lifted his male member, looked very carefully, and reported, “Well, sir, everything looks just fine to me…”
Glen ripped the mask from his face and enunciated as clearly as he could, “Young lady! ARE—MY—TEST—RE—SULTS—BACK???”
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes
What is the difference between snowmen and snow-women?
Snowballs.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frostbite.
There are no divorce courts at the North Pole, so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up they got a semicolon.
They're great for separating independent Clauses.
Forget the past: you can't change it.
Forget the present: I didn't get you one.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.
The the longest two-word sentence in English is "I do."
A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray
is now a seasoned veteran.
Velcro! What a rip off!
The man blotting his wet shoes with newspapers, explained,
"These are The Times that dry men's soles."
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
He used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison
was a small medium at large.
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