Found for Friday

A burglar broke into a house one night. 

He shined his flashlight around, looking for

valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus 

knows you’re here.’ He nearly jumped out of hi

s skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he 

shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled

the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires

, clear as a bell he heard a voice....say, ‘Jesus is 

watching you.’

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically,

looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the 

corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to 

rest on a parrot. ‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at 

the parrot. ‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that 

he is watching you.’ The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’

‘I'm Moses.’ replied the bird. ‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of 

people would name a bird Moses?’

‘The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.’

 The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. 

The police are looking into it.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

A backward poet writes inverse.