Found For Friday

 An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

“Well, now,” says the old lady, “I guess I would like to be really, really rich.” POOF Her rocking chair turns to solid gold. She smiles and says, “Gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautiful princess.” POOF She turns into a beautiful young woman.

“Your third wish?” asked the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman’s cat wanders across the porch in front of them. “Ooh… can you change him into a handsome prince?” she asks. POOFThere before her stands a young man, more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, “Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered!”

 THOUGHTS

As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world,

I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.

If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

 A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.

A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while

A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it  lives for 

150 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of  it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. I  finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the 

hydrant; the early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets 

the cheese.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few 

of them.

10.  Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11.  Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12.  It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been 

anywhere.

13.  The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the 

bathroom.

14.  If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15.  When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to 

play chess.

16.  It's not hard to meet expenses.... they're everywhere.

17.  The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18.  These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter,

I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm "here 

after".

19.  Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.