Found For Friday

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked, scaring the kids!"

 What do you call a bald monster? A lock-less monster.

I asked the librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat.

She said, it rings a bell but she wasn't sure if it existed.

I decided to practice painting by going into the woods with my easel. There I found someone making moonshine.

And that's why I painted A Still Life.

Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.

Most weight lifters are biceptual.

For my birthday I got myself glasses.

So my observational comedy’s really improved.

I needed a password that was eight characters long.
I chose Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs.

He wasn’t happy.

A chicken and an egg are lying side by side in bed enjoying a cigarette. One says to the other, "I guess we answered that question, didn't we?"

Hedgehogs: why can't they just share the hedge?