I don't know what to do with this EpiPen. I didn't really even want it to begin with, but my friend really wanted me to have it. He kept handing it to me as he was dying. Must have been special to him.
I have a photographic memory. It just hasn't developed yet.Today I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind woman. My boss says that's the last time I'll ever be a bus driver in this town.
What do you do when you desperately need cheap clothes?
Good will hunting.
Anyone remember the 90s when you had to clean your mouse balls?
Man, I'm glad I don't have pets anymore.
I'm addicted to cold turkey. I've been trying to quit for years, but any time I tell people they don't take me seriously.
A red blood count is a communist vampire.
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
Ghost writers lift the spirit of the readers.
If I think I've seen an idiot before, is that a case of deja fool?
The overweight painter could not lose weight despite years of exposure to thinners.
Should you answer your phone or not??
It's your call.
E.E. Cummings did pretty well for himself...
Considering he was named after a dolphin climaxing.
I think it's only fair to warn you: I'm an incorrigible punster.
Don't incorrige me.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.