Found For Friday

 A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazlenut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"

"No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

They're not going to make yardsticks any longer.

I have a connection with my step ladder.

I never knew my real ladder.

"I was in a supermarket and I saw this guy throwing around
yogurt and milk and cheese and I thought:

"how dairy!"

-----Benedict Cumerbatch

A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.

I'm mixing white, yellow and pearl-colored corn kernels.

I'm trying to achieve racial hominy.

The only reason I'm fat is because a tiny body couldn't store all this personality.

A cookie a day keeps the sadness away.

An entire box of cookies a day brings it back.

My friend really changed when she became vegetarian,

it's like I've never seen herbivore.

I cut my finger chopping cheese,

but I think that I may have grater problems.

The meat market had a special on pork prices,

the sign said ham me downs.