Found for Friday

Rabbit, Rabbit - Happy New Year!

 A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

On new year's eve you may notice that heavy drinkers of hard liquor appear to be in high spirits.

You can invite the insomniac to your new years party, they will be up for it.

What is a New Year's Resolution?

Something that goes in one year and out the other.

What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar at Christmas?

He got 12 months!

The toilet paper walked into the job employment center two-ply for a job

The dentist said he charges an extra $175 for gas.

I said, "$175 for nitrous oxide? That's no laughing matter!"

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.

I had to put my foot down.

Britain is a wet place because the queen has had a long reign.

I, for one, like Roman numerals.

To me the prognosis of the proctologist was the beginning of the end.

I hate Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves.

Never ask a podiatrist for conversions to metric - they only know feet.

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, 

but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.