A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir ."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting his wife says: "Now don't be silly, dear. You know that this car doesn't have cruise control"
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?"
His wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit , the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. "
His wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT THE F**K UP?! "
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am? "
"Only when he's been drinking," she replies.
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you that a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
If lawyers can be disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and drycleaners depressed?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
If "horrific" means to "make horrible", does "terrific" mean to "make terrible"?
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
It's just stale bread to begin with.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
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