Found For Friday

 An old guy was working out at the gym when he spotted a young hot girl walking in. He asked the trainer standing next to him, "What machine should I use to impress that girl over there?" The trainer looked him up and down and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."

What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?

“Curses! Foil again!”

If you're stiff as a board it could be the lumbar.

When my ice house falls apart igloo it back together.

Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?

Q: Why did the chicken go to the séance?

A: To get to the other side.

Angela Lansbury leans over the craft table, spreads her Melba toast with cream cheese and salmon eggs and thinks to herself... "Murder She Roe"

Be careful during winter. A lot of people make mistakes while texting due to the cold weather.

It's the first sign of typothermia.

Every so often railroad conductors have to go for retraining.

My new expensive vacuum cleaner really sucks.

I think I am addicted to brake fluid, but I am sure I can stop anytime.

When NSA employees try to pick up people in bars, do they say, "I know exactly where you've been all my life"?

Have you heard about the weekly poker game between Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erickson and Federico Pizzaro?

They just can't seem to beat the straits of Magellan.