A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was upset.
"You are a disrespectful pig!"she cried. "How dare you do this to me, a faithful wife, the mother of your children? I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
The husband replied, "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Go ahead," she sobbed. "But they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
So the husband began, "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same."
The husband took a quick breath and continued, "She was so grateful for my understanding and the help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please. Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'"
I'm beginning to worry about my obsession with technology. I told my doctor, "I think I'm addicted to Twitter."
He replied, "I don't follow you."
The novel about a musician in treble was a real clef - hanger.
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't get down from an elephant, you get down from a duck.
I bought a cute new bell ringer for the front door - it was a door a bell.
How do you turn soup to gold?
Add 24 carrots.
Old mathematicians never die.
They just lose some of their functions.
I saw a Buddhist lamp. It was very enlightening.
The tradition of telling actors to "break a leg" makes perfect sense.
Every play needs a cast.
Why do cows have bells?
Because their horns don't work.
Insulting an east Indian chef will bring you bad korma.
When considering the average number of times a person experiences diarrhea; do we use the Mean, the Median, or the Immodium?
Diarrhea is genetic. It runs in your jeans.
When a rich man bought a car he had nothing to chauffeur it.
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