A burglar was moving quietly in a dark house one night when he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you." He froze immediately, and after a minute of holding perfectly still, he began to wonder whether he had only imagined the voice. He opened a drawer and began removing silverware, and again he heard the voice: "Jesus is watching you." Again he froze in the darkness, and as soon as he began moving again, he heard the voice a third time: "Jesus is watching you." Looking around, he saw no other person, but finally noticed a parrot in a cage, in the moonlight near the window. "Hey, parrot," he said softly. "Was that you saying 'Jesus is watching you'?"
The parrot said, "Yep." The man said, "Well, you're a very smart parrot. What's your name?" The parrot replied, "Clarence." At this the man began laughing. "'Clarence'? 'Clarence'? What idiot would name a parrot 'Clarence'?"
The parrot replied, "Same idiot who named the Rottweiler 'Jesus'."
If there was someone selling drugs in this place, weed know.
Who knew one thing could bring so much joy and distress at the same time? I was so excited to buy a new boomerang, but I am finding it impossible to throw away my old one..
Everything is edible; some things are only edible once.
The magazine about ceiling fans went out of business due to low circulation
What do you call batman disguised as a pastry chef?
The crepe'd crusader!
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
“Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.”
----- Robert A. Heinlein
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.