A burglar was moving quietly in a dark house one night when he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you." He froze immediately, and after a minute of holding perfectly still, he began to wonder whether he had only imagined the voice. He opened a drawer and began removing silverware, and again he heard the voice: "Jesus is watching you." Again he froze in the darkness, and as soon as he began moving again, he heard the voice a third time: "Jesus is watching you." Looking around, he saw no other person, but finally noticed a parrot in a cage, in the moonlight near the window. "Hey, parrot," he said softly. "Was that you saying 'Jesus is watching you'?"
The parrot said, "Yep." The man said, "Well, you're a very smart parrot. What's your name?" The parrot replied, "Clarence." At this the man began laughing. "'Clarence'? 'Clarence'? What idiot would name a parrot 'Clarence'?"
The parrot replied, "Same idiot who named the Rottweiler 'Jesus'."
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If there was someone selling drugs in this place, weed know.
Who knew one thing could bring so much joy and distress at the same time? I was so excited to buy a new boomerang, but I am finding it impossible to throw away my old one..
Everything is edible; some things are only edible once.
The magazine about ceiling fans went out of business due to low circulation
What do you call batman disguised as a pastry chef?
The crepe'd crusader!
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
“Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.”
----- Robert A. Heinlein
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
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