The guide grabbed his arm and said "Oh,no! These are foo birds and to shoot one means terrible things will happen to you! The man figured that was only a superstition of the locals and shot one down. Then the rest of the flock returned and pooped all over him.
He hollered at the boy, "I must have some water right away to wash this mess off."
The boy said "Oh no! To wash the crap of the foo bird off means sudden death immediately!"
Again the hunter ignored his advice, found water and got cleaned off.
Sure enough he dropped dead then and there.
The moral of this story is "If the foo shits, wear it." A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune... Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
And you thought all they did was say Hello. Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'' ''Yes, What can I do for you?'' '' I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith.... He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'' ''Thank you very much for the call, sir.'' The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood. but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly after, the phone rings at Virgil's house. ''Hey, Virgil, This here's Floyd.... Did the Sheriff come?'' ''Yeah!'' '' Did they chop your firewood for the winter?'' ''Yep!'' ''Happy Birthday Buddy!"
An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. He ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.
"What on earth did you do that for?" asked a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same accursed turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."
"Wow, what a memory you have!" commented the giraffe.
"Why, yes -" replied the elephant, "turtle recall". GOTTA PEE
Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
They had gotten overly-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the
worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said......
'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.' "
“We don’t allow faster-than-light neutrinos in here,” said the bartender.
A neutrino walks into a bar. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
Friday Cat Blogging