Found For Friday

The teacher was going around her class asking each of the kids what they needed at home.

"A computer!" Joey exclaimed.

"Good answer! That's very useful to have at home," said the teacher.

"A new lawn mower," said Kim, who got a similar response.

Then Little Johnny stood up and said, "At my house we don't need anything!"

The teacher asked him to think again carefully, as everybody needs something.

"No, I'm sure," replied Little Johnny. "I know, because when John Boehner was re-elected Speaker, I remember my dad saying, 'Well, that's the last damn thing we needed.' "

 One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.
    You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”

    Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car.

    A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today.
    You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”

    Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car again.

    The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today.
    You must park…” then the electric power goes out.

    Bob’s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do.

    Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?”

    With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says,

    “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”:)

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box and, according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

 There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

 Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not, we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away, Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya' tell me the dog was Catholic?

 Father O'Malley answers the phone and hears. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'

 An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up two college girls hitch-hiking. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'

 An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.  Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and, after a search of the bedroom, discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '

 Wife:     'What are you doing?'
Husband:    Nothing.

Wife:     'Nothing . . . ?  You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband:   'I was looking for the expiration date.'

Girl:     'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'  

Boy:     'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'   

Girl:     'Well, that's because we aren't married yet.'