Found For Friday

First Happy 101st Birthday to my Mom.














Now the Jokes.










 Girl:     'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'  

Boy:     'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'   

Girl:     'Well, that's because we aren't married yet.'

 Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'   

Mom:  'Well, you have done the right thing.'   

Son:   'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'  

 A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'   

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'   

 A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.  HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.  THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK, BUT ABOUT EVERY 15 SECONDS OR SO, HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF HIS HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE."

BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE POTTY YET."

MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES, BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"

BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."

 A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'   

 A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said, 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness, the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'  

 During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that an employee was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said: "Hello!  It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital."

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I really don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."

 A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just
like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the
time.  Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman.  He was a terrific athlete.  He could have
won the Grand-Slam at tennis.  He could golf with the pros.  He sang
like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star.  And you should
have heard him play the piano!  He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more.  He had a memory like a computer. He remembered
everybody's birthday.  He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and
which fork to eat them with.  And he could fix anything.  Not like me -
I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out.  But Frank Feldman, he
could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams.  Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.  But
Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman
and make her feel good.  He would never answer her back, even if she was
in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly
polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.  No one
could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow.  How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank.  He died, and I married his
fucking wife."

 IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the IRS finds ...that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says
Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and you'd be happy about it.'

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH
YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly
embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and
said: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you
felt embarrassed, right?"

The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO
MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl who was now in shock.

The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw
people."