Found For Friday

A man was floating along in a hot air balloon when he realized he was lost.

He reduced altitude, and spotted a woman walking below.  He brought the balloon a bit lower, leaned over the gondola, and shouted, “Excuse me, ma’am.  Can you help me?  I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The woman looked up and replied, “You are in a hot air balloon, hovering between 30 and 35 feet above the ground.  You are at approximately 41.4822° north latitude and 81.6697° west longitude.”

“You must be a physics teacher,” said the man.

“Why, yes, I am,” replied the woman.  “How did you know?”

“Well,” said the balloonist, “everything you told me is probably technically correct, but I still have no idea how to interpret your information, and I am still completely lost.  Ma’am, with all respect, you’ve been no help whatsoever.”

“You must be a principal,” the lady said.

“Indeed I am,” replied the man.  “But how could you possibly know that?

“Well, let’s see,” the woman said.  “You don't know where you are or where you are going.  You have risen to your present position with the help of a large amount of hot air.  You made a promise and have no clue how to keep it, and you expect people below you to solve your problem.  In fact, you’re in exactly the same position you were before we met, but now somehow it’s my fault.”

This old couple walks into the bar, and the husband goes over and starts flirting with some young women. And the bartender said to the wife "Doesn't it bother you that your husband is always making passes at the younger women around here?" "No, no, no, not really," the wife said, "I mean, dogs chase cars, but that doesn't mean they know how to drive."

Green grocers earn a meager celery, come home beet and just want to read the pepper, take a leek, turnip the covers endive into bed.

A pickle walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, you're a pickle! What are you doing here?" The pickle says, "Well for starters, I'm celebrating the fact that I can walk."

An Irishman walks out of a bar. No really - it can happen!

It's ok - he can say that. He's Irish.

If you play around with a guillotine, you'll beheaded for an accident.

Two highways walk into a bar, sit down at the bar itself and order some drinks. After a few minutes, a skinny little road walks through the bar door. The two highways take one look at the skinny road and flee into a dark corner booth near the back.

The bartender, seeing this, decides to go over and question the highways...

 'What's going on? You two are big hulking highways, why are you afraid of that skinny little road?"

One highway turns to the bartender and says: "Stay away from that guy! He's a CYCLE-PATH!"

A man walked into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. He told the bartender that the newt's name was Tiny. "Why?" asks the bartender. "Because he's my newt!" replied the man.

(You have to say it out loud to get it.)

 A guy walks into a bar, and he has a drink. He looks in his pocket, and orders another drink, looks in his pocket, and orders another drink, looks in his pocket, and orders another drink, and so on. And the bartender says, "What are you doing; what's in your pocket?" And the guy said, " It's a picture of my wife; when she starts looking good to me, I know it's time to go home."

 A good baker will rise to the occasion, it's the yeast he can do.

Did you hear about the blond who went up to the roof of the bar? She heard drinks were on the house.

 A golf club walks into a bar and asks for a whisky. The barman refuses to serve him. "Why?" asks the golf club. And the barman says, "Because I know you"re going to be driving later!"