Found for Friday

 A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200

 A hippopotamus walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "That will be $9." As the hippo sips his beer, the bartender says, "You know, we don't get many hippopotami in here." The hippo responds, "At $9 a beer, I'm not surprised."

  Mistake. Husband and wife had a tiff.

 
Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you." Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to
live with you.
 

  The Phone

 
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their
first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Meg was excited to receive
the gift and simply adored her new phone.
The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it
was her husband on the other end. "Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new
phone?" Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a
bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..." "What's that,
sweetie?" asked her husband. "How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
 

 Avocados A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6. A short time later the

husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6  cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had avocados."
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!  Men will get
it the first time. My work is done here.

 A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. Bartender says "What's up with the paper towel?" The pirate says, "Arrrrr...there's a bounty on me head!"

Works best if done with a pirate voice.

 A couple walks into a restaurant (close enough). The hostess asks, "Do you have reservations?" They answer, "Yes, but we'll eat here anyway."

 Guy walks into a restaurant (close enough) and asks, "Do you serve crabs here?" Hostess says "We serve anybody. Sit down."

 A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Hey, has my brother been in here?" Bartender asks, "I don't know - what does he look like?

Juneau Alaska? It's up there next to Canada, Yukon see it on a map, so it's not just an Aleutian. 

A man walks into a bar with a lump of tarmac under his arm. ‘What would you like?’ asks the barman. The man replies, ‘A pint of beer and one for the road.’ 

 Every so often railroad conductors have to go for retraining.

 185 Lawyers walk into a bar.

Only 60% pass it.

 A room temperature superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve room temperature superconductors in this bar!"

The room temperature superconductor leaves without any resistance.

A man walks into a bar and sees a cow serving behind the counter. ‘What are you staring at?’ says the cow. ‘Never seen a cow serving drinks before?’ ‘It’s not that,’ replies the man. ‘I just never thought the moose would sell this place.’