Found for Christmas

another MadDad joke:

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife.

Can you keep him talking in church for an hour after the services for me?"

Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend he agrees.

After the services, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister. "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The minister smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You better hurry home quickly, I'm not married."

People say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.

The inept psychic attempted clairvoyance but just couldn't get intuit.

I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade."

It's just like a cowboy to stirrup trouble.

Fruit farmers tend to be berry competitive in their field

I got a universal remote control. I thought to myself "This changes everything."

The diet industry enjoys a heavy bottom line.

There is a lengthy article about Japanese sword fighters but I can samurais it for you.

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?

Nothing. It was on the house!

Santa goes down the chimney because it soots him.

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?

Thanks, I’ll never part with it!

What do you call an elf who sings?

A wrapper!

What nationality is Santa Claus?

North Polish.

What do you call Santa's helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.