The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.”
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.”
The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
I shave each morning in front of my car’s passenger-side mirror. That way, I get a closer shave than it actually appears.
A leak in the back of a boat is a stern warning.
I’m pretty sure the dinosaurs died out when they stopped gathering food and started having meetings to discuss gathering food.
Carpet layers make great dancers - they can really cut a rug.
On the commodities exchange when the price of corn goes up some farmers are all ears. Others are only interested in the stalk market.
The sign at the nudist camp said 'Clothed 'til May'.
I applied for a position at the hair replacement company because I heard
there was growth potential.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
-----Attributed to Abraham Lincoln
Being president is like running a cemetery: You’ve got a lot of people under you, and nobody’s listening.
I don’t think George Clooney has a bathroom mirror, just a note taped to the wall that says “Don’t worry about it.”
Comedian Eli Yudin
If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.