Found For Friday

Iowa Weather Forecast

From Anne C.

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At a session, last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a-tried to treat-a her nice, spend the money on her, but best is that I took-a her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!"

The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm a-gonna go to get her."

WEST VIRGINIA TRAFFIC STOP
h/t Grandmère Mimi

A man in West Virginia had a flat tire. He pulled off on the side of the road and proceeded to put a withered bouquet of flowers in front of the car and another one behind it. Then he got back in the car and waited.



A passerby rubbernecked the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.



The man replied, "I got me a flat tar."



The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"



The man responded, "When you breaks down they says to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I doesn't understand it neither. But, you stopped, so, I guess it works! You got a extry spar?"

Finally - - An answer I can Understand.

  An American tourist asks a  Newfoundlander:



 "Why do Scuba divers always fall Backwards off their boats?"

To which the Newfoundlander Replies:



 "If they fell forwards they'd still be in the F**kin boat."

Last winter, while sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. The guy could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How did you get rid of the gators?
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."

h/t/ Don

When to start Cussing



A six year old and a four year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the six year old.  "I think it's about time we started cussing."



The four year old nods his head in approval.  



The six year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say  something with hell and you say something with ass."



The four year old agrees with  enthusiasm.  When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the six year old what he wants for breakfast,  he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."



WHACK! He flies out of his  chair, tumbles across the kitchen  floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"



She then comes back downstairs, looks at the four year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?



"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

Hollywood Squares:

These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..


Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.